Category Archives: Culture

The United Colonies of Corporate America

Culture, Politics, Politics & Culture

There is a sentiment that often pops up in a meme posted by veterans, that says something along the lines of “I swore an oath to defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic. That oath has no expiration date.” Although, it is normally posted by my more right-leaning brethren, I actually believe the same thing. I just disagree with them on who our enemies really are.

I was reading an article earlier today, from Atlantic magazine by David Frum, about the impending collapse of American Democracy and the rise of Donald Trump (no matter how I try, I just can’t seem to help myself). It was a pretty good article, but there was one thing that really struck home to me; in the section on foreign policy, it quotes a statistic from the Pew Research Center that says that 66% of Republicans polled, and 75% of Trump supporters polled, said that things have gotten worse for people like themselves over the last 50 years. Much as it pains me to agree with anything Trump supporters believe, I have to admit I agree with them. Where we seem to disagree on this is on the WHY.

They seem to believe it’s the fault of foreigners, minorities, Muslims, gays, Democrats, liberals, socialists, progressives, the poor, career politicians, the U.N., and, of course, OBAMA (Duhn, DUNH, DUNNNNNNH!). I believe that most of it is because we’re being colonized by inhuman forces. That’s right – Corporations. Actually, that’s not quite accurate. Corporations are merely the mechanisms through which we are being colonized. The actual colonizers are the people at the top of the corporations, like the Koch brothers, and the same bankers and brokers who caused the collapse of the economy in 2008.

Definition of Colonization:

First, let’s take a look at what colonization is. Out of sheer laziness, I’ll quote my own paper, “Colonizing Shakespeare,” written for a class:

Mel Brooks’ 1974 comedy, Blazing Saddles, unintentionally contains perhaps the most practical definition of colonialism ever, when the villain, Hedley Lamarr plots to take some extremely valuable land from its rightful owners. His henchman Taggart suggests a “number six”:

“‘Well, that’s where we go a-ridin’ into town, a-whompin’ and a-whumpin’ every livin’ thing that moves within an inch of its life. Except the women folk, of course.”

‘Oh, you spare the women?’

‘Naw, we rape the shit out of them at the Number Six Dance later on.’

‘Marvelous!’” (Brooks).

The “number six”, although crude, is more realistic than the bloodless and inane definition provided by the Oxford English Dictionary: “The colonial system or principle. Now freq. used in the derogatory sense of an alleged policy of exploitation of backward or weak peoples by a large power” (“colonialism, n.” 2). European colonization followed a very simple pattern: find a place with ample resources, overpower the indigenous people, force the indigenous people to gather those resources or import cheap slave, prisoner, or indentured laborers to gather them and push the indigenous people out, collect said resources and ship home to the mother nation. Mixed in with that was usually the importation of missionary workers to subvert the local religions and convert the indigenous people to Christianity. European colonialism was ultimately all about increasing the power and wealth of the mother nation and its rulers, both politically and commercially; in other words, a large-scale “number six”.

It doesn’t really matter where you look; the Spanish in South America, Belgians in the Congo, or the Romans, and later the British, pretty much everywhere, or even little old us, right here at home, they pretty much all follow the same pattern. Find something you want, kill or subjugate anyone or anything that stands between you and “it”, keep as much of “it” for yourself as humanly possible while vilifying anyone who questions your right to have “it”.

What makes this corporate colonization harder to spot, is that “it”, in this case, is not land, or resources, or even a particularly physical property; “it” in this case, is simply money (and, if you would argue the fact that money is no longer a physical property, ask yourself, when was the last time you cashed a paycheck, or even held more than a couple hundred dollars in your hand). Money has become less and less familiar to us. Now money is a little plastic card in your wallet, a bank notification in your email, a button on your computer screen. It doesn’t pass from hand to hand anymore, it flies invisibly along wires, and even through the air. Oddly enough, our current unfamiliarity with it has made it even more important, more mystical, more God-like.

A Little Evidence:

One thing I have noticed throughout all this political season’s finger-pointing, patriotic, flag-waving, hyperbole about income and wealth inequality is this; there really hasn’t been all that much. Seriously. Except for Bernie Sanders, the rest seem to pretty much just ignore it, or at best, poo-pooh it as the whining of undeserving whiners. Nobody however, seems to really want to dispute that it exists. I googled “American income over the past 40 years,” and in every chart I saw, the line representing the income of the top 1% looks like my heartrate after 5 minutes on a treadmill. It looks like a rocket trajectory from the ’80’s to today. On the other hand, every chart’s lines representing lower- and median-income earnings since the ’80’s looks like my heartrate if I tried to do 20 minutes on a treadmill (a flat line).

I haven’t heard anyone dispute this. Even Fox News acknowledges that it exists, but even they can only sugar-coat that turd so much. John Stossel wrote that yes, incomes for the rich have increased by 200% over the last 30 years, but don’t forget that the poor’s income has increased by 50 percent over that same time period. I’m not even going to argue with his numbers. Let’s just look at it mathematically. Let’s say the average rich guy made $1,000,000 a year, 30 years ago. Today, that same rich guy would be making 2,000,000. Not too shabby. Let’s say the average poor person made $20,000. Today, he’s making $30,000. Meanwhile, the price of hamburger has gone from $.99/lb. to $4.68/lb. That’s an increase of 472%. Bread was $.50, now it’s $1.98 (almost 400%). In other words, according to Fox News, the only people keeping up with the cost of living are the wealthy. As a side note, we all know that I suck at math. Feel free to let me know if I got it wrong.

How They’ve Done It:

In the old days, the imperial powers used a literal “number 6” approach. Take the U.S., for example. We wanted the land, the gold, the timber, the silver, etc. “What the hell,” we said, “the Indians aren’t even using it. God wants us to have it.” So we took away their food sources, and forcibly moved them to land we didn’t want. If they resisted, we killed as many of them as as it took to make them behave the way we wanted to. We told them, “Don’t worry, we’ll take care of you now,” and then just as quickly forgot about them, at least until we found that their was uranium in that worthless land we’d put them on. Then, we claimed imminent domain, and took that too, and poisoned the water while we were at it. Then we promptly forgot them again. If you doubt me, go to an Indian reservation sometime.

The Corporations’ approach is more subtle. They legislate it, through lobbyists who write the bills Congress passes. Through corporate welfare, where employees (including many military members) earn so little that they rely on food stamps, WIC, and other assistance to make ends meet. Through extortion, threatening to move operations to other states or even overseas if their conditions aren’t met. That way, we get union-busting Right-to-Work laws that puts even more power in the Corporate hands.

At the same time, they find, create, and promote other “enemies” to distract us. Those evil unions, all those unnecessary regulations that stop them from turning this country back into a veritable Garden of Eden of freedom and free enterprise like it was in the ’60’s and ’70’s; you know, those halcyon days when our rivers used to catch fire from all the crap they dumped into them. They promote the idea that what’s good for business is good for America, and to show their patriotism and dedication to the American way of life, they hide their money in the Caiman Islands and other places.

They, through their political shills promote the idea that government is the enemy, and convince many to forget that our government is designed to be a “government of the people, by the people, and for the people,” (Abraham Lincoln, Gettysburg Address). That’s right, you and I are the government. At least, we’re supposed to be. If we’re not any more, it’s our own damned fault. We’re the ones who bought into the bullshit fed us by people only interested in siphoning all the money to the top, AKA Trickle-Down Economics, or, as I think of it, “Let’s piss down their backs and tell them it’s raining” economics.

We are complicit in our own colonization. We’ve turned ourselves into a group of people so stupid that we’re perfectly willing to accept a Facebook meme that is easily disproved with even the most rudimentary amount of research, yet completely unwilling to accept the findings of the scientific community. Until we get sick that is. Then we’re all about the science. The more sciencey, the better. Heart, kidneys, or liver gone bad? Sign me up for a transplant. Hard-on’s a thing of the past? Have some viagra. Yay science!!!!! And all the while we ignore the fact that the same scientific process that made these things possible has also amassed a mountain of evidence that points out that climate change is devastatingly real.

An intelligent, thinking population is necessary, yet we allow our schools to deteriorate. We support our teachers by sharing memes on the Facebook, and elect politicians who gut school programs to cut costs. We’re not going to get really upset as long as they’re only cutting band, music, and arts programs, lunch programs, or things like that. No, we’ll save our wrath for when they start cutting the important stuff, like sports. Well, boy’s sports that is; the only people who care about girl’s sports are the girl’s parents. We NEED boy’s sports. They’re the primary feeder system for college and professional sports. We’ve got to keep those things strong and healthy, so we can keep building new stadiums with tax dollars so our teams won’t move somewhere that will build one.

Because professional sports are important. Without them, what would we do on Sunday afternoons? Spend time doing something with our families? Read a book, maybe? The horror! Besides, without sports merchandise, what would we spend what little money we have on? How would anybody know what team we root for? How would we know what people are just not right? Granted, it’s easy enough when they’re clearly different, but what about the ones who look and act just like me? How else would I know that my neighbor is a Steelers fan, and so, clearly not to be trusted (this is COLTS country, dammit!).

We’ve bought into the idea that the American people are the villains; well, not you and I, we’re the good guys, us and the small group of like-minded, right-thinking individuals like us. The bad guys are all the rest; all those “takers”. The poor, the immigrants (legal and illegal), the gays, the liberals, etc., etc. They’re the ones who are getting rich off of our tax dollars. They’re the ones who are bringing America down with their laziness, their immorality. Hell’s bells, they won’t even take care of their own children! And especially now that there are so many of them.

We want to get back to the good old days, the ’50’s, ’60’s, and 70’s. Back then, people lived right. Men went to work, and women stayed home and took care of their children. Parents taught their kids right from wrong. Parents were there to discipline their kids. That’s what we need to get back to. Except we can’t. Back in those days, in most cases, a man could make enough money working full time to feed, clothe, and house his family, so mothers could stay home and be mothers. Nowadays, and for the last 30 or so years, it takes both parents working to make ends meet.

Back then, if a mother needed, or even wanted, to work, the places where most of them work were closed at night, so they worked while the kids were in school. Now, everything runs 24 hours a day. Often both parents work different shifts, and the kids spend their time with grandparents, friends, or baby-sitters, or at day-care that costs almost as much as the parent makes.

Poverty, just like wealth, is inherited, as are their attendant attitudes. Just as wealthy people become more “entitled” and spoiled the farther removed from actually having earned their wealth they become over generations, accepting their wealth as their due, the poor become more and more accustomed to hopelessness, more and more resigned to living on hand-outs. We see this with every trip we make to Pine Ridge Indian Reservation. We middle-class white folks go out there and are shocked at the living conditions. We can’t believe that people actually have to live like that, here in modern America.

But the same thing is happening to us. The middle class isn’t shrinking so much as it is falling into poverty. The economic collapse in ’08 was the biggest bang in our colonization, and it wasn’t even enough to wake us up and make us take action. Seven to 10 million people lost their homes in the mortgage crisis, and not only did none of the people responsible go to jail for their predatory and irresponsible lending practices, WE BAILED THEM OUT! We called them job creators, even as they moved operations overseas to save money, as they gutted and pillaged our industrial and manufacturing base.

I know that some of you will say that I’m being ridiculous, that if they drive us all into poverty, then we won’t have the money to buy their products. In answer to that, I say, the guys at the top don’t care. They just want the money. They’ve already proven to themselves that even the poorest of us will go to ridiculous lengths to buy their crap, especially if they can drop the price by making that crap overseas. All they have to do is keep making minor “improvements”, and we’ll just have to have the newest Xbox, or IPhone. Even on Pine Ridge, they’ve all got cell phones.

Besides, these champions of capitalism don’t really believe in capitalism. Henry Ford, as anti-union an industrialist as they come, insisted on paying employees enough that they could afford his cars, raising their pay to almost double the standard. He knew that well-paid workers were loyal, and good for the economy. I once worked for a relative, a staunch conservative and capitalist, in a small skid-making business. He paid an excellent wage for a part-time job, and every year the business did well, he paid me a bonus. This was entirely his decision. I had no idea whether he was even making a profit. In return, I did my best to streamline the operation, drastically reducing production time and costs.

These guys, however, only believe in getting theirs. They know it’s not going to last, so they get in, grab all they can, as fast as they can, all the while ensuring that, if it all goes tits up while they’re in charge, they’ve got their golden parachute in place. Henry Ford was making cars. He was doing it to make money, and he made a lot, but he was making sure he took care of his people (granted, a lot of his methods were reprehensible, but the point stands). He was a capitalist. My relative was making skids. He also was doing it to make money, and he made some, but he also felt a responsibility to me. He is a capitalist. These guys are only making money. They only feel a responsibility to themselves. They aren’t capitalists, they’re opportunists.

But we still see each other as the enemy. We share memes about how fast-food workers want $15 an hour, pointing self-righteously to the fact that EMT’s, and other skilled workers don’t make that much, without ever asking ourselves why, since our GDP grows every year, are EMT’s, teachers, soldiers, police, fire-fighters, and medical personnel payed so poorly? Nobody chooses to work a low-skilled, minimum wage job at McDonalds, or WalMart. They take those jobs because often, they’re the only jobs available, particularly to a population that is poorly educated, and trained not to think, but just to believe. To believe what they’re told by the pundits, and the advertisers, the creators of memes.

The real value of education lies not in just the memorization of facts, but in the development of the ability to think, and to think critically. But if we learn to do that, then we won’t be such easy marks for con men disguised as business leaders, and our prospective overlords just can’t have that.

The question is, what’s it going to take to wake us up, and start us questioning these things? I understand completely if you think I’m off-base with a lot of this stuff, but why do you think that? Where’s your evidence? Do you have any, or is your disagreement based on how you feel?

Feel free to tell me what you think.

What’s Wrong with Me? A Little Overdue Self-Examination

All About Me, Culture, Politics, Politics & Culture, Religion

There is an anecdote, perhaps apocryphal, that G.K. Chesterton once responded to the question, “What is wrong with the world?” from The Times of London with the answer, “I am.” Now, Chesterton was a very, very smart writer, critic, and theologian, so who am I to question him? However, he died in 1936, and the world is still very, very messed up. Clearly he was not all that was wrong with the world or, maybe he was just answering for every single one of us, which begs the question, “What is wrong with us?” Chesterton went on to write an entire book, “What’s Wrong with the World”, in 1910, examining the question more deeply. I don’t have time to write a book, but, I feel that a pretty decent small-scale answer can be found in simply answering the question, “What’s wrong with me?”  Sadly, I am also no match for Chesterton’s brevity, so please bear with me.

At first glance, it shouldn’t be too hard. After all, I’m a military retiree, born and raised on an Indiana farm, and raised to behave and live according to the traditional values of my family, church, and nation; all men are created equal, do unto others . . . , etc. I mean, how bad could I really be? Generally, I think I’m a pretty good guy. My wife and friends tell me I’m a good man. Still, I know I’m not perfect. Some of my faults are obvious; I eat too much, smoke too much, don’t exercise enough. I procrastinate both habitually and accidentally (for example, I forgot this essay is due). I am self-destructive in any number of ways. I’m also fundamentally childish, petty, arrogant, vain, judgmental, insecure, wasteful, and, in all likelihood, not nearly as smart as I think I am. I guess I’m probably pretty much just like you and everybody else on the planet.

But all those things are really just the symptoms. They’re the things that I, along with you, and most of the rest of the world are aware of, and work to overcome every day so that we can be the people we’d like to be. To just stop there would really be premature. To get to the root of these symptoms, deeper self-examination is required.

One of the great things about going back to school late in life is that it has really made me at least try to be a critical thinker; to think deeply about things that I would normally just take for granted, or never think about at all. For example, I’ve been thinking about race a lot lately, which led me to ask myself, “Am I a racist?” Normally, I would just say no, of course not. After all, I don’t associate with members of any racial minorities now, but that’s because none live around me, or are in class with me (I really don’t get out much). I did spend 20 years in the Air Force though, working with people of many different ethnicities and nationalities. Many were friends, and I got along with virtually all of them. I did dislike some, but it was based on work, personality, and behavior, not their skin color. Clearly the answer was no. Emphatically no. I felt really good about that.

Then that critical thinking thing kicked in, and I really looked at my life. Just that sentence above about how I don’t associate with any minorities now, essentially admits that I don’t because I don’t have to. That’s kind of disturbing. Do I avoid places that might cause me to have to interact with minorities? Were there parts of town that I avoid? I realized that the answer to both those questions was yes. I’ll drive through the north side of town, but that’s it. When I need a haircut, I go to a chain salon on the east side, even though it made me uncomfortable. It just seemed unmanly (more on that later) to go to a salon instead of a barber, but the only barber shop I knew of is in the black part of town. I’ve driven by it literally thousands of times. It is by far the closest and most convenient barber shop in town, but I had never even considered going there for a haircut. I had to ask myself why not? The more I thought about it, the more uncomfortable I got about myself. Why not go there? I’m not picky about my hair. I just want it shorter. I’d even had it cut by black barbers in base barber shops. I had to face the fact that I’d never considered it simply because it’s a “black” barber shop. This was not a happy realization for me. It undermined a lot of what I’ve always believed about myself, and I decided I needed to do something about it. The next time I needed a haircut, that’s where I went.

I was uncomfortable walking into Wright’s Barber Shop. What would it be like? Would I be the only white guy in there? Would they all look at me? I imagined walking into something like the movie Barber Shop. Rap and Soul music playing, black people laughing and joking and having a good time. Then I walk in, and it all goes dead silent, every face turning to stare at me in shock. Maybe somebody drops a pair of scissors, and their clatter is as loud as Notre Dame’s bells ringing. Maybe it would even all happen in slow motion.

I was a little nervous as I opened the door. I walked in, and one of the ladies there asked, “Can I help you?”

“Yes, please. I need a haircut.”

“Okay, have a seat. It’ll be a few minutes.”

That’s it. No gasps of shock, no funny looks, barely a break in the conversation. I felt like a schmuck. I sat down on a sofa and looked around me. Okay, kind of what I expected; some velvet paintings on the wall, Aretha on the radio. Jet and Ebony magazines on a coffee table. After a few minutes, Mr. Wright came out, and gave me a great haircut. We had a lovely conversation, and he made me feel not only welcome, but like I belonged, like there was nothing weird about a white guy coming into his place for a haircut. Because there wasn’t.

I walked out of there feeling pretty good about myself; Apparently I wasn’t racist after all. But, if I wasn’t at least a little bit racist, then a simple haircut wouldn’t need all this thinking, all these feelings and worries, however small, would it? At least I was only a little bit racist. Of course, being a little racist is like having chlamydia: It’s better than having syphilis, but still not good. That’s a problem I’m going to have to do something about.

Then, I had to ask myself, why would getting my hair cut at a “salon” strike me as unmanly? Why would it even bother me? Deep down, I knew that men go to barbers, and that salons are for women, metrosexuals, and homosexuals. This has led me to realize that I am apparently a little bit homophobic. This is disturbing on a number of levels. Quite a few of my favorite people are gay, both friends and family. These are people that I genuinely love and respect. Even some of my favorite fictional characters are gay. I’m in favor of gay marriage, and I’m completely against these “religious freedom” laws that are so popular now, and seem to be nothing more than a thinly-veiled excuse for discriminating against gay people. I find them (the laws) offensive and distinctly un-American, so to realize that deep-down, I harbor some of these same sentiments, no matter how insignificantly or superficially, is frankly, shameful. It’s not that I have anything against them, I just apparently just don’t want to be mistaken for one of them. I was really starting to feel like a jackass, and rightly so. I’m going to have to do some work on this too. I realize that, if I were to go to a black barbershop for a haircut to explore my previously unsuspected racism, then perhaps I should try a similar experiment to test my level of homophobia. It occurred to me, however, that I don’t know of any gay barber shops. There are salons, but that’s how I ended up with this dilemma. I suppose that the next logical step at this point would be to go hang out at a gay bar. I’m just not sure that that is a step I’m ready to take. For one thing, I just don’t go to bars. I don’t really go anywhere. I like to stay home. Then there’s the whole “being in a gay bar thing.” What if someone asked me to dance? How would I react? I wouldn’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings. It would just be an uncomfortable situation. Or, maybe even worse, what if no one asked me to dance? I’m an overweight, greying 50-year-old man teetering on the verge of a mid-life crisis; I don’t need that kind of rejection. Clearly, this is another area I’m going to have to work on.

At least I’m not sexist. I love women. Most of my favorite people are women. I’m all for equal rights, equal pay, women in any job they want to do. I’d certainly vote for Elizabeth Warren for president. I may even vote for Hilary Clinton. I think of myself as a feminist. I try really hard not to objectify women, although I have to admit that that’s gotten a lot easier as I’ve gotten older. I just don’t seem to have the energy. I even asked my wife if she thought I was possibly just the slightest bit sexist, and she assured me I was not. “If you were, I wouldn’t be with you,” were her exact words, although she did acknowledge my penchant for some sexist jokes. Then I realize that, when I go to a bookstore, I automatically reject almost any book written by a woman. While I have enjoyed a number of books by women, they were virtually all books I was required to read, and not read voluntarily. This is a hard thing to have to admit, and I strongly recommend not having this particular revelation in a college literature class full of aspiring female writers like I did. While I survived that little indiscretion, I am at a loss to explain my dismissal of women’s writing. I know there are a lot of really smart, talented female writers out there. Why don’t I want to know what they have to say? It obviously points to yet another fundamental fault in my psychological and emotional makeup.

I take comfort in the fact that at least I’m not a religious bigot. I am a Christian, but I have no problem with Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, or any other religion. I believe we all have a right to believe whatever we believe, and I see the numerous parallels between most religions and my own, and realize that we’re all looking for the same God. I don’t for a moment believe that all Muslims are either overt, or closet, jihadists, that they are all out to get me. I certainly don’t believe in carpet-bombing countries to kill ISIS. I don’t believe we should have a “kill them before they kill us” brand of foreign policy. Except why do I feel a little frisson of concern when I see a guy in a turban getting on my flight? Why do I feel a little weirded out when I see a woman walking around with a hijab? At this point, I’m beginning to wonder if there is anyone I’m not at least a little prejudiced against.

I guess what’s wrong with me is that I am, to some degree, everything that I loathe people like Donald Trump and Ted Cruz for. I am (apparently) everything that I rail against. Socrates said, “The unexamined life is not worth living,” and I have apparently gone almost 50 years without really examining my life. I don’t think I’m alone in this. Really examining your life takes time. It’s uncomfortable. It, at least in my case, shattered my illusions about myself, those same illusions that we all spend our lives carefully building and protecting. Once you really start thinking, you realize that there are no answers, at least no easy ones, only more questions. Once I realized that I am, in reality, a bigot; racially, genderally (?), sexually, and religiously (and don’t kid yourself, being even a little bit bigoted is like being a little bit pregnant), I’ve had to ask myself why am I all these things, which has led to numerous even less flattering revelations, both about myself, and about those who have, and do, influence me. Even worse, I’ve had to realize that there are no easy answers as to how to fix all these things that are wrong with me. I’m going to have to be an ongoing project.

It has been really hard to write this without providing some sort of defense for myself; like I said before, I like to think I’m a good guy, and at this point, I’m really feeling like a jerk. I know that life isn’t easy for these folks. I’ve been the object of baseless distrust and discrimination myself, although not nearly to the level of minorities, women, gays, or Muslims. As a middle-aged, white veteran attending college full-time, I’ve gotten the hairy eyeball from many of my fellow students. Although there are very few minorities at my school, there are a lot of females and LGBTQ folks, and it took a while for a lot of them to accept me. I made a lot of them uncomfortable. The point, though, is that they did accept me. Many of them have become good friends, and I like to think they feel the same about me. Hearing the stories about their struggles, especially the LGBTQ kids with their families has made me a lot more conscious of the problems they face. I can’t imagine how painful it must be to be rejected by my family just for being me.

Conservatives make a big noise about universities being bastions of liberalism. I say, “Good.” College maybe the last place these kids will be able to let down their guard and openly be themselves, particularly if the vast majority of us don’t get over ourselves and learn to treat those who are superficially different the way we ourselves insist on being treated. If I get a few wonky looks, so be it. I’m a middle-aged white guy. There are lots and lots of people who will be more than willing to accept me and treat me decently, based solely on the way I look. It’s not an issue for me. It’s just that it shouldn’t be an issue for Muslims, LGBTQ folks, minorities, or anyone else. Not in this country.

In the end, Chesterton was right about what’s wrong with the world: I am.

I take some small comfort that at least now, I know it. I’m just one guy. I can’t fix the whole world, but I can at least try to fix myself. I’m certainly going to try. If you should happen to bump into me on the street, have a little patience with me. I’m a work in progress. I’ll try to be a little patient with you too. Maybe that’s the key to the whole damned thing.

The Real Rich Mullins, Shameless Namedropping and the Cult of Personality

Culture, Movies, Religion
The only saint in our family, plus Jess, Wayne, and I
The only saint in our family, plus Jess, Wayne, and I

 

This morning I got up, got all the critters fed, and sat down to check my e-mail. Oddly, there were new comments on a post I wrote about my brother Rich Mullins a while back. When I checked the stats on my blog, that post had gotten over 200 views today. Now, that particular post has always been by far the most popular post I’ve ever written, which frankly is a little frustrating because I feel like I’ve written some pretty good posts that had absolutely nothing to do with him (of course, I could be wrong. It happens).

At one point, I had even considered just putting his name in the title of every post, just to try to get people to read my blog, but decided that would be taking shameless cynicism too far, even for me. I would also like to point out, at this point, that there is a point to this post that does actually have something to do with him (also, are there bonus points for getting the word “points” into one sentence multiple times, and if so, do parenthetical “points” count?), so don’t panic. This is merely the Shameless Namedropping bit. I like to ease into these things.

At any rate, I’ve gotta say thanks to all those who commented, both here and on the Facebook. They were all very nice. A couple of people even accused me of profundity, something that would make pretty much everyone who knows me laugh (I know it made me laugh). I am known for a lot of things, mostly involving bad temper and disgusting bodily functions, so it was nice to be considered profound for a change, no matter how far off-base it may be.

Even though the remarks were all nice and complimentary, I still found them disturbing to a certain extent. One of them invited me to join a Rich Mullins group on the Facebook (of which there are at least eight). This seems weird to me. Of course, it is also extremely gratifying, to know that he had, and continues to have, such an impact on people’s lives. However, I’ve got to ask, at what point does all this fan-girling (sorry, but it seems a lot like Tiger Beat for Christians) become kind of Idol Worshippy?

Now I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with fan pages, or sharing your admiration/fanship of somebody with like-minded people. Far from it. However, I do think it’s something that we all need to be careful about. This has been bothering me for a while, but one of the commenters kind of brought it all home for me. This person wrote that in all the videos of Rich, he was “always clean and usually upbeat”, but the movie “Ragamuffin” portrayed him as “looking pretty bad, and usually in a kind of downer mood, or like there was a cloud over him.  Any problems Rich had, aren’t talked about out there.  So I feel like someone is being deceptive.”

I think the simplest way to address this is to tackle the four different points separately:

First:

The way he seems in the videos: He was the way he seems in the videos; smart, caring, sensitive, intellectual, spiritual, funny, and clean. But you also have to understand that in those videos, he was onstage. He was at work. How many of us are the same at work and at home? A large part of a job is image, whether you’re a rock star, or a Walmart greeter. You’re expected to look a certain way, to act a certain way, to talk a certain way. There are things you are supposed to do, and things you’re not allowed to do. I’m no authority on Rich Mullins, I pretty much only knew Wayne, but I know he struggled with that “Image” thing a lot. I remember him complaining that the record company was always trying to get him to lose weight, dress a certain way, wear his hair a certain way, etc., and he found it very disingenuous. Rich Mullins’ “job”, to him, was pointing people toward God. His job, according to the record company was to sell records and make money. Sadly, it seems like, to way too many people, his job is to be a kind of substitute Messiah, a kind of, “Well, I know he’s not Jesus, but he’ll do until the real one comes back,” kind of thing. Again, I’m not accusing you, or anybody, but I’m pretty sure you know somebody like this. Think about it.

Second:

The way he seems in the movie: He was the way he seems in the movie. First, of course, you have to realize that IT WAS A MOVIE! It was an attempt to tell forty-some years of one man’s life in two hours. I don’t want to say that parts of it were made up, but PARTS OF IT WERE MADE UP! That in itself does not make it untruthful. The bits that were “made up” were representative of actual events compressed into a form that made narrative sense, just like some of the characters were composites of multiple people. Think of it like this: Take a drop of water. Try looking at it atom by atom. It doesn’t look anything like a drop of water. If, however, you step back and look at all those atoms collectively, it’s a drop of water. The job of the movie was to show you the drop of water, not it’s atomic composition. I hope that makes sense.

As far as the difference between Rich in the movie and Rich in the videos, that was a decision arrived at early on, by both our family and David Leo Schultz, the director. None of us were interested in making a movie that glorified Rich Mullins. Now a movie that did that would probably have made a whole lot more money (and frankly, in my weaker moments, when I’m worrying about the car payment or the property taxes, I wish it’s the movie Schultz had made), but it would have been antithetical to his whole life. As stated earlier, I really believe that he believed his job was in pointing people toward heaven, and he tried to do just that. We all wanted the movie to try to do the same. Schultz could have painted him as some kind of saint, kind of a Christian Yoda who’s got it all figured out, but that movie would have only glorified Rich, and Rich would have hated that (of course, he probably would have loved it too). Schultz took a braver approach: to show the other side, the private side. The side that only a few ever saw. I almost said were privileged to see, but frankly, there were a lot of times when it was no privilege, I’m sure. The movie Schultz made shows him as we all are; flawed, fallible, and frequently a complete asshole, but a complete asshole who never stopped loving God, who never stopped trying to please God. His struggle was not with God, but with himself, just like the rest of us. If you want the squeaky-clean, family-friendly Rich Mullins, watch the videos. If you want a man who accomplished remarkable things through the grace of God, in spite of his own shortcomings, who struggled daily, just like you and I, then watch the movie. If you really want to get to know him, watch them both.

I guess the best way to put it came from Rich himself. He once said something along the lines of, and I’m paraphrasing from memory here (I’m sure many of you are more familiar with it than I am), “People talk about how open I am, how I say just what I think. If they knew what I’m really thinking they’d say ‘Oh man, we gotta burn this guy’.” Feel free to correct this version.

Third:

Rich’s problems aren’t talked about: No kidding. Nobody wants to take potshots at RICH MULLINS! He’s our hero! In fact, I know that Dave Schultz has gotten some pretty incendiary hate mail for even attempting to show him as flawed. Listen, you want to know what problems Rich Mullins had? Look in the mirror. He had all the same problems you and I have. It wasn’t his problems that were extraordinary, it was his life. His problems and flaws, for the most part, were pretty mundane. He was poor, he was lonely, he had weaknesses and flaws, just like everyone who ever walked the face of the earth, except One.

Fourth:

Somebody’s being deceptive: Simply put, no one is being deceptive. First of all, deception requires intent and there is normally something to be gained through the deception. The videos are amateur videos of a man at work. They don’t purport to represent every facet of the man. If you think they do, then the mistake is yours. Nobody gains anything from posting them. The movie was professionally made and expensive. The approach was intentional. Schultz is not a stupid man. If he wanted to be deceptive, then he would have made a movie that would make money. Instead, he made a movie that glorified God rather than Rich Mullins, a movie that, instead of making people say, “OOOOH, that Rich Mullins! What a great Christian!” tried to make you say, “Okay, I’m not the only one who’s screwed up. God loved him, I’ll bet he loves me too.” Plus, I’m not even sure they’ve broken even yet.

The Difference:

The difference between the popular perception of RICH MULLINS! and the reality of Rich Mullins can best be seen, I think, by looking at one of his most popular songs, “Awesome God”.

Here is the song’s lyrics as he wrote and performed them:

When He rolls up His sleeves
He ain’t just putting on the ritz
(Our God is an awesome God)
There’s thunder in His footsteps
And lightning in His fists
(Our God is an awesome God)
And the Lord wasn’t joking when
He kicked ’em out of Eden
It wasn’t for no reason that He
she’d His blood
His return is very close and so
you better be believing that
Our God is an awesome God

Our God is an awesome God
He reigns from heaven above
With wisdom, power, and love
Our God is an awesome God

Our God is an awesome God
He reigns from heaven above
With wisdom, power, and love
Our God is an awesome God

And when the sky was starless
In the void of the night
(Our God is an awesome God)
He spoke into the darkness
And created the light
(Our God is an awesome God)
The judgement and wrath He
poured out on Sodom
The mercy and grace He gave
us at the cross
I hope that we have not too
quickly forgotten that
Our God is an awesome God

Our God is an awesome God
He reigns from heaven above
With wisdom, power, and love
Our God is an awesome God

Our God is an awesome God
He reigns from heaven above
With wisdom, power, and love
Our God is an awesome God

Our God is an awesome God
He reigns from heaven above
With wisdom, power, and love
Our God is an awesome God

Our God is an awesome God (God)
He reigns (He reigns…) from heaven above
With wisdom, power, and love
Our God is an awesome God

Our God is an awesome God (Our God is an awesome God)
He reigns from heaven above (He reigns from heaven above)
With wisdom, power, and love (With wisdom, power, and love)
Our God is an awesome God
Our God is an awesome God
Our God is an awesome God

Read more: Rich Mullins – Awesome God Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Now here is the version we sing in church:

Our God is an awesome God
He reigns from heaven above
With wisdom, power, and love
Our God is an awesome God

See the difference? The version we sing is like the perception of RICH MULLINS!; Powerful, true, and above all, simple. The version he wrote is more like Rich Mullins; still powerful and true, but also awkward, kind of weird, thought- and question-provoking, and, I think, fairly deep, juxtaposing God’s vengeance with his Grace.

In contrast, the church version is just a mantra; essentially repetitive and hypnotic, requiring no thought at all, all too often just a mindless parroting of a slogan. Sure it sounds great, but there’s nothing there that isn’t said in a thousand other hymns.

I’m not saying that one is better than the other (for my part, I cringe at the thought of either version), but if I have to choose, I choose the one that makes me think.

Finally:

This brings me back around to my original point: the Cult of Personality. It seems like people may be taking RICH MULLINS! way too seriously. The fact that he was deeply flawed should not detract from our opinion of him, or what he had to say. Our opinion of him is a matter of complete inconsequence. If we say we are Christians, then the only person we should be fan-girling over is Jesus Christ.

OOPS!

Well now . . . that got a little preachy, didn’t it? Sorry. Sometimes I get a little carried away. I trust you’ll all have the good sense not to take anything I had to say too personally, or too seriously. To any of you who managed to slog all the way through this: Thank You! And now you know why I have no reputation for profundity.

A Simple Solution to Today’s Problems

All About Me, Culture, Politics, Politics & Culture, Religion

All day now, actually, for the last two days now, I’ve been trying to write a post on capitalism. Before you panic, I was neither condemning nor condoning it, just discussing it, with a couple of ideas/suggestions that I thought might make it work a little better. I had in my mind a very measured, reasonable, calm, even kind, kind of post; the sort of thing that might make folks on both sides of the fence at least think about both capitalism and socialism in a new light. I didn’t expect to change anybody’s mind, just wanted to throw a few things out there as part of a rational and reasonable discussion.

Sadly, I find myself unable to write that post: I offer instead what is neither a reasonable nor a rational solution to much of what ails our country.

Step One: Shut Up!

Okay, not just Shut Up!, but

SHUTUP!SHUTUP!SHUTUP!SHUTUP!SHUTUP!

SHUTUP!SHUTUP!SHUTUP!SHUTUP!SHUTUP!

SHUTUP!SHUTUP!

Seriously. Just shut up. Please. And this includes you meme-sharing drones who think that just because something sounds reasonably witty and agrees with your position that it’s right. And that goes for both sides of the fence. NO MORE MEMES! Whether you think I would agree with them or not! Just SHUT UP!

The other day, somebody shared a meme that was a close-up of a snarling lion’s face, with something about Jesus written over it, I can’t remember exactly what. I do remember that the context was to remind us all that Jesus wasn’t just about love and grace and forgiveness, that he’s coming back soon (apparently in the next couple of weeks), ready to rain down some righteous judgement and retribution. Basically, it was to make Jesus look like a badass. As if being GOD isn’t badass enough. As if forgiving the numbnuts who crucified him WHILE HE WAS HANGING ON THE CROSS wasn’t badass enough. As if CONQUERING DEATH ITSELF wasn’t badass enough.

Yeah, that stock picture of a lion’s gonna convince people.

The same goes for posting and forwarding videos of celebrities who are spouting stupid shit that you agree with. Just because they’re famous (more or less) doesn’t make them either smart or right. I just saw a video with Chuck Woolery – that’s right – Chuck Woolery, the Love Connection guy, in which he purports to prove why he needs an assault rifle. Seriously. Chuck F-‘in Woolery, the “I’ll see you in two and two” guy needs an assault rifle because . . . THE CONSTITUTION! Granted, there’s more to his argument than that, but I had to stop before my head exploded. Don’t get me wrong, Chuck seems like a nice guy, even when he’s fondling a rifle, but he’s just spouting the same tired old shitty arguments that are getting us nowhere. And I’m not saying that Chuck doesn’t need an assault rifle – I’m just saying that there’s room for discussion.

This goes for all you knuckleheads on the left, as well (I just couldn’t think of any memes or videos that annoyed me as much from you guys). Still, just knock it off. Give it a rest. It’s not helping.

Anyway, so that’s step one: Shut Up!

Step Two: Log Off!

Sign out, close your laptop, whatever it takes, but get off the internet!

This is an absolutely critical part of the plan, as the odds of people ceasing to post memes and videos and whatnot are pretty damn’ slim. So just turn it off. Get away from it. I’m not saying leave it forever. Just take a week off. A few days, anyway. Take a walk, get some air. Talk to someone. Have an actual conversation with someone who doesn’t agree with you. Listen to what they have to say, and say what you think without yelling it at them. Believe it or not, not all liberals are drooling, zombified sheep who are planning to take all your guns and freedoms and money away and give it to criminals. Not all conservatives are mouth-breathing, moronic fascists who want to stuff all brown people into cages and shoot everyone who doesn’t look or think like them.

So, let’s review:

Step One: Shut Up!

Step Two: Log Off!

Step Three: Repeat As Necessary!

When you come back to the internet (because you know you’re going to. I know I will; how else am I going to waste time that I should be spending writing?), don’t fall into the same trap we’re in now. Refuse to share memes (unless they have cute, non-partisan cats or dogs, like the “thiberian huthkie” one; That one cracks me and Jess up.). The same goes for videos: if it’s not critters doing something funny or adorable, or people falling down, just don’t share it. If you absolutely must share something, share something you wrote, or something that actually says something, something that is not just parroting back talking points. Actually, we should all probably stick to a blanket critters-and-people-falling-down sharing rule. I’d also like to point out that that whole, “When you point a finger at someone, you’ve got three pointing back at you,” thing totally applies in this case; I’m just as guilty as the rest of you, and I know it.

Sorry, I almost forgot the most important step. Let’s call it Step A.

Step A: Don’t Be An Asshole!

If you look back after taking a few days away from the internet and realize that, indeed, you may have been an asshole, then stop, and avoid the temptation to continue being an asshole. Also, when you see a meme and wonder, “What asshole shared that?” remember that it was probably shared by someone who is really an essentially decent, caring person, albeit one who doesn’t have the sense to follow Step One.

And there you go; problem solved! Well okay, not all of them, there’s still terrorism and mass shootings and abortion and racism and religious bigotry, etc., etc. However, I feel fairly confident that if we could all take a step back and talk to each other, then maybe the whole slash-and-burn-and-salt-the-earth-all-or-nothing-if you’re-not-with-us-you’re-against-us-not-only-that-but-you’re-going-to-hell-too-but-only-after-Jesus-lays-a-major-ass-whuppin’-on-you-personally-first attitude will seem at least a little bit extreme and counterproductive. Maybe then we can tackle some of that other stuff.

 

American Exceptionalism: I’m Not Sure It Means What Everyone Thinks It Means

All About Me, Culture, Politics, Politics & Culture

Disclaimer!

This is not a particularly funny post, although I think there is some pretty funny stuff in it. It’s about politics, or at least political issues, so if you’ve had enough of that stuff for a while, do yourself a favor, and skip down to the “Death By Grippo’s” post. Also, there is some stuff in here that some might find offensive (I’m pretty sure the language is okay, but some of the ideas may be a little scary), so be warned. That said, I hope you get a laugh, and more importantly, a think out of it. Enjoy, and, as always, thanks for reading!

American Exceptionalism

American Exceptionalism is one of those terms that gets flung around a lot over the last few years, and with an election coming up, I’m pretty sure that we’re going to be hearing a lot more about it. It’s one of those things that politicians love to talk about in order to show how much they love America (as if the flag pins, flag bunting, images of flags-waving-above-fields-of-grain and fading in and out as backgrounds in campaign ads and Stars-and-Stripes-based logos weren’t enough). They shout about “American Exceptionalism” and “America is the greatest country in the world” and “Americans are the greatest people in the world”. They go on and on about how we do everything better than everybody else in the world. We’re innovators! We’re motivators! We’re tire rotators! (sorry, couldn’t help myself) We’re the Land of the Free, and the Home of the Brave. Yee Haw!

I guess that would be okay, if the people spouting it really seemed to believe it. All too often, however, they then go on to describe how we can’t do things that are already being done all over the world. They go on and on about how those things are going to destroy our country.

Gay Marriage!

Seriously? How can we be so mighty, so awesomely powerful, so incredibly wonderful, and yet letting two people who love each other publicly and legally bind their lives together will bring this great nation to its knees? The weird thing to me is that nobody seemed to care if they cohabitated before this (well, okay, they did, but I don’t recall anybody screaming for laws to prevent it). I also heard a lot of people saying that okay, they should be allowed to have civil unions (the 21st-century equivalent of jumping over a broom), just keep the M-word out of it.

A lot of people are screaming that it is a sign of the moral decay of our nation. But is it? Which is more immoral? To force others to live a life less free than yourself so you can pretend that it doesn’t exist, or to accept that, okay, not everyone believes as I do, but they are no less a person than I? That seems to be what it really comes down to, to me anyway.

I know that a lot of genuinely good people worry about the wrath of God coming down on us as a nation over this, but, as I’ve said before, compared with slavery, Jim Crow, 400+ years of genocide, and polluting the environment so badly that our rivers used to catch on fire, I’m pretty sure that gay marriage is just a fart in the windstorm of American morality. If we’re so exceptional, then shouldn’t equality be a given (since it is one of the founding principles of this country)? I feel fairly confident that the only straight people this whole gay marriage thing is going to significantly effect is straight lawyers who will be making a lot more money, because I’m guessing that gay Americans will prove to be just as inept as straight Americans at picking life-long partners to legally bind themselves to on the first try. On the other hand, maybe they’ll be exceptionally good at it. Wouldn’t that be a kick in the pants?

Keep moving people, nothing to see here.

Socialized Medicine!

If the gay marriage thing doesn’t get us, then socialized medicine will bring the country down for sure. In fact, a lot of people seem to think that Obamacare (which is a long way from real socialized medicine) is the worst thing that has ever happened to this country. It’s going to destroy our economy! Death panels! Blah, Blah, Blah! More Blah, Blah, Blah! We’re all going to die! Well, yeah, I’ll grant you, that last one is true, but it won’t be because of Obamacare. I’ll admit, I’m not a fan of Obamacare.  At worst, it’s selling more of the country to insurance companies. At best, I see it as a bad first step in the right direction.But that’s the thing; at least we’re moving in the right direction, which is viewing health-care as a right and a societal responsibility, not a privilege. Just about every other industrialized country on earth seems to see it that way, and it hasn’t destroyed any of them. Granted, it’s far from perfect in most of them, but it works. That’s where the American Exceptionalists should see an opportunity to prove how exceptional we really are. Innovate! Improve! Take what those other countries are doing right, and fix what they’re doing wrong! Now that would be exceptional.

Diplomacy!

As if the gay marriage and the socialized medicine weren’t bad enough, now we’re stooping to diplomacy. We’re doomed! We’re not a diplomacy people, we’re a kill ’em all and let God sort ’em out people. I’m talking, of course, about the Iran deal (dun, dun, dunnnnnn). I’ll grant you, I’m leery of it. I don’t know what’s in it. On the other hand, none of it’s detractors did either before they started trumpeting it as the other other worst thing that’s ever happened in the history of, well, history. What I do know is that England, France, China, and Russia all worked on it too, and none of them (or anyone else in the world) stands to benefit from the religious whackado’s in charge of Iran’s government getting nuclear weapons. I also know that none of our other recent wars in the middle east have exactly worked out the way we were told they would. I feel fairly confident that getting to the point where we can sit across the table from Iran and talk seems infinitely more promising than screaming threats at each other and vowing to destroy each other.

As a veteran, I am confident in the exceptionalism of our armed forces. I also think we’ve asked more than enough of them for the time being. We should use our military as a last resort, because we have to, not because, well, it’s fun to blow stuff up. I feel like maybe it’s time to give our diplomats a shot at being exceptional as well.

Renewable Energy!

If we somehow manage to stave off the complete and utter destruction brought on by gay marriage/socialized medicine/diplomacy, we’ll still be screwed by the push for renewable energy. Now I know that the chances of powering the entire country with wind and/or solar energy or whatever else they’re coming up with (I saw something about electricity-generating algae the other day) is pretty unlikely, even in a best case scenario. But it could help a whole lot of people. Out in S. Dakota, on Pine Ridge Indian Reservation, a place tailor-made for wind and solar power, there are hundreds of people who spend a large part of every year without electricity, because they can’t pay the bills (I’ve seen statistics that show median household income on Pine Ridge Reservation anywhere from $2,600 – $7,000/year). I’m thinking that putting up some windmills and solar farms out there could significantly improve the lives of the people there.

I know people say, “Oh, what about the jobs lost? All those coal miners and oil field workers put out of work?” They’re right. It would be a significant change, and a lot of miners and oil field workers might have to find new jobs. But that has always been the case with progress (when was the last time you needed a farrier?).

Anyway, I could go on and on, but I’ll spare you.

What They Seem To Think American Exceptionalism Means

What “They” (and by “they”, I mean pretty much every candidate running for office, republican or democrat) seem to think American Exceptionalism means is this: A handy catchphrase that I can throw out there to make all those people that I wouldn’t give the time of day to if I weren’t running for office feel good about themselves and think I’m the guy who has their best interests at heart.

What Everyone Else Seems To Think American Exceptionalism Means

What I’ve gathered from talking to people (and reading their posts on social media) on all sides of the political/religious/economic fences seem to think it means is this: Americans are exceptional, EXCEPT for everyone who isn’t just like me. We are incredibly good (exeptionally good, you might say) at vilifying and demonizing everyone who doesn’t immediately and wholly agree with us. We are exceptionally good at being offended by anything that presents us with a differing opinion, while at the same time being exceptionally amazed that anyone could possibly be offended by anything we ourselves say or do. This is how we manage to be offended by rainbow flags (which are at least ostensibly about freedom, even if it’s just the freedom to be yourself), and yet insist on our right as Americans to fly a Rebel Flag (a flag designed and flown in support of rebellion against the nation and white supremacy).

I take comfort in the fact that, despite what views they seem to subscribe to, their actions belie their words. Virtually all of the people who say and post the things that I am pretty much completely opposed to are, despite their different opinions, good-hearted, decent, generous, and kind people, who would go out of their way to help a stranger in need, regardless of that stranger’s any race, creed, color, sexual orientation, or position on any of the issues that politicians use to divide us.

What I Think American Exceptionalism Means

I would say that the previous two sentences pretty much sums up what I think it means, except for the fact that I’ve seen people all over the world, Christians, Jews, Muslims, Atheists, Gays, Straights, Conservatives, Liberals, and people of pretty much every type imagineable do exactly the same thing. What it really comes down to, for me anyway, is this: Thanks to being American, and the freedoms we all too often take for granted, we have more opportunities to BE exceptional. We are born with the chance to do really exceptional things. We have the opportunity to be exceptionally kind, exceptionally generous, exceptionally loving and caring. We have the opportunity to live up to, and to help others achieve, the American ideals of Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness for all, not just those like “me”.

That, I think, would be truly exceptional.

Tips For Happy Living: Don’t Worry About A Thing

All About Me, Culture, Home Life, Politics, Politics & Culture, Religion, Wives

” ‘Cause every little thing

Gonna be all right”

That Bob Marley was a smart guy.

Happy living is an elusive bird. We all want it, but it seems like no one wants us to have it. It’s kind of aggravating.

Lately, I’ve been kind of worked up about things. It seems like the world is just spinning out of control. Confederate flags, gay marriage, dozens of people shot over the July 4th weekend in Chicago, violence of every sort run amok, churches burning, terrorists, conspiracy theorists screaming that Obama’s invading Texas, it’s just nuts. And everywhere you look, somebody’s got the answer: Take down that flag, leave it alone, give the gays equal rights, gay marriage will destroy traditional marriage, ban guns, make everyone carry a gun, stricter laws, we need better prisons, we need worse prisons, seal the borders, do what I say, I’m the one with all the right answers. It doesn’t matter where you look, FOX, MSNBC, CNN, NPR, the Facebook, Twitter. Everyone’s got the answer, or knows someone who does. Just watch this video . . .

It’s kept me stirred up for several weeks now. I’ve started several posts presenting powerful arguments capable of crushing all opposition to my viewpoints. Being predisposed toward irascibility and somewhat pugnacious in temperament, I just can’t seem to help myself. I seem lately to just be looking for things to make me angry. I read articles that I know are biased, and often blatantly false, and then, just in case I’m not angry enough, I read the comments too. Sometimes I think there is something very, very wrong with me (and those of you who know me will probably agree). Unfortunately, rage is the one emotional I am truly comfortable with. Also unfortunately, I’m not alone in this. Everyone seems to be angry about something, or several somethings, usually at least one or two from the list above, or something that someone else said about something from the list above.

In fact, anger is a growth industry right now. There’s gold in them thar internet flame wars. Frankly, that’s one of the things that makes me angry. Vast fortunes are being made by making people angry, and I can’t seem to get a piece of the action. My last post was, I thought, at least fairly controversial. I even went so far as to actively solicit responses. I did everything but beg people to comment. Now I’ll admit that my intentions were good, and I genuinely wanted to hear what people thought, but still, I thought I’d at least get some hot interweb troll action. I mean, if there’s one thing I’m usually pretty good at (besides telling fart stories), it’s pissing people off.

I have to say that the response was pretty disappointing, overall. First of all, there really weren’t many comments at all, and those that I did get were uniformly civil, well-thought out (even the ones that disagreed with me), and even loving. Even the woman I had offended (the basis of the post), messaged me on the Facebook, a very civil, kind, and generous response. It was really kind of disappointing (admittedly in a sick and twisted way).

On the other hand, it did confirm what I had always suspected; that the vast majority of people are generally kind, generous, and decent. Even those with whom I vehemently disagree. I hate to admit it, but I think Anne Frank was right: “Despite everything, I believe that people are really good at heart.”

It troubles me that I see and hear so many swearing that we are in the End Times. That God has abandoned us because we have abandoned Him. The sentiment that, because of gay marriage, “persecution” of WASPS by minorities, and the fact that, okay, maybe you should think about what that Rebel flag bumper sticker on your truck really stands for, the world just can’t get any worse. It’s just not true. The world can get worse. It has been much worse. Yes, there are still a lot of things that are wrong. There are still a lot of things that need to be fixed. But my feeling is (and I know I’m no kind of religious expert) that if God didn’t abandon us because of 400 years of genocide, 300 or 400 years of slavery, 150 years (give or take) of institutionalized racism (complete with lynchings, rape, and murder), along with a number of land grabs, imperialism, and war profiteering, all committed frequently in His name, or according to His will (or rather our interpretation of it), then letting a few gays get married is probably not going to put him off of us, either.

I see and hear a lot of Christians hollering, “Please Jesus, come back soon,” and I can understand the sentiment, but if I’m honest, I’m not really in that big a rush for it. When he does come back, we’ll have eternity, but for now, I’m not through with this life yet. There are way too many books I haven’t read, too many fart stories I haven’t written. I haven’t told my wife, the lovely and all-round best woman ever, Jess, how much I love her enough times yet. I haven’t lain awake at night listening to her snore enough. I haven’t hugged my grandkids enough. There are too many places I haven’t been, too many things I haven’t seen. I haven’t written enough, or worked enough, or played enough yet. Maybe I’m wrong for feeling this way, but God gave me this life for a reason. He gave us this world with all its wonders for a reason, and I don’t think it was to just mark time until he came back.

Anyway, I know that you probably only read this blog for the fart stories (don’t worry, I’ll get back to ’em), and I didn’t mean to get all heavy with my half-assed theology. Sorry. This is all just stuff that I needed to get off my chest. The thing about being angry all the time is, it’s exhausting. It saps your energy, your will to live. I don’t know about you, but it wears me out, and really makes it hard to write the fart stories, which are, frankly, much more fun.

So last night, I was in bed (calm down ladies), reading The Ball and the Cross, by G.K. Chesterton, and I read a passage that really brought it all home to me; “The whole peace of the world was pent up painfully in his heart. The new and childlike world which he had seen so suddenly, men had not seen at all. Here they were, still at their old bewildering, pardonable, useless quarrels, with so much to be said on both sides, and so little that need be said at all.” That seems like a pretty apt description of today, with the fear-mongering 24-hour news networks blaring out their prophecies of doom, and alleged “satire” news websites promulgating panic-inducing videos, and ourselves buying into it all, and joining in by smearing our fears and petty hatreds across the Facebook, insisting that “everyone needs to see this”. Well, guess what. We don’t. Neither do you. Give it a rest. Give yourself a break. And trust me, I know I’m just as guilty of this as you are, but I’m working on it.

I think that’s why I never finished any of those argumentative posts I wrote about earlier. Deep down, I knew it was pointless, and that it would just add to the problem. It would be a better world if everyone quit arguing, and spent some time actually thinking, because, believe it or not, not everyone who has a Rebel flag bumper sticker is a racist. Liberals who point at the south and jeer them as racist rednecks should listen to Randy Newman’s “Rednecks” (a word of caution, it contains offensive language, but it’s contextually necessary, not gratuitous. Also, you have to actually LISTEN to ALL THE LYRICS in order to get the point he’s getting at.). Also, if you are a proud displayer of the Rebel flag, you probably should spend some time thinking about what that flag really means, what it is telling people about you, and whether it’s true.

Christians, not every gay person wants to ruin our marriages (admit it, we were doing that just fine without any help from them). Gays, not every Christian belongs to Westboro Baptist Church. We don’t all hate you or want you to go to hell (Sorry, I don’t have a song for this one).

The point is; well, I guess the point is that we all have a point, and we’d be better off thinking carefully about them before taking our hats off and showing them to the world. Get off the Facebook, and read an actual book. Concentrate on the things you love more than the things you hate. In the words of Ray Wylie Hubbard, “the days when I keep my gratitude higher than my expectations . . . well I have really good days.”

Be grateful: Happy living tip #1.

World’s Biggest Hypocrite Seeks Answers: A Christian Conundrum

All About Me, Culture, Politics & Culture, Religion

So, I’m sitting here feeling like the world’s biggest hypocrite (of course, I realize that that may be self-aggrandizing. There are a lot of televangelists, politicians, and pundits out there). By the way, this post is probably not going to be very funny. Sorry.

Rich Mullins (with whom I am vaguely familiar) once said, “Christianity is not about building an absolutely secure little niche in the world where you can live with your perfect little wife and your perfect little children in your beautiful little house where you have no gays or minority groups anywhere near you. Christianity is about learning to love like Jesus loved and Jesus loved the poor and Jesus loved the broken.”

So here’s my problem: I am one of the leaders of a mission group that goes to an Indian Reservation every year. Recently, I was contacted by a woman, whom I am pretty sure is a homosexual, about her and her partner going with us. Now, to be clear, I realize that whether she is or isn’t gay is NONE OF MY FREAKIN’ BUSINESS, and, to be honest, I don’t really care, because, again, it’s NONE OF MY FREAKIN’ BUSINESS.

So I talked to some of the other leaders of the group about it, and we hem-hawed around like Christians always seem to do when reality meets our genuine desire to serve God. Well, we beat that horse pretty much to death, and it devolved (as these types of discussions always seem to), into a discussion of whether being gay is a sin or not.

At any rate, I, in my own inimitable idiom, decided that the most respectful approach was the head-on, blunt, bull-in-a-china-shop approach. Earlier, I sent her a message asking her whether she was gay and expressing my concerns and why they exist. I haven’t heard back from her. I’m really hoping that I haven’t offended her, because, as I said before, it’s REALLY NONE OF MY FREAKIN’ BUSINESS, and I hope that she doesn’t take this as a rejection, because it’s not.

WHAT I THINK:

Now, just in the interest of clarity, I’m going to let you know which side of that discussion I fall on: I think sometimes it is, and sometimes it isn’t. I think if you (not YOU in particular, but just a general you) decide/choose to be gay, because it’s becoming more popular/accepted, or to piss off your parents, or as some sort of “lifestyle” statement, then I think it is. But, I’ve known too many gay folks who never “chose” to be gay, it’s just something they are. In fact, I’m pretty sure that all of the gay folks I’ve known (and it’s quite a few of them) were born that way. Just like I was born with brown eyes. They didn’t ask for it, or choose it. It was chosen for them, by genetics, or DNA, or whatever. Regardless of the scientific or psychological, or sociological reason, if you believe, like I do, in God the Creator, then he created them that way, just like some of us were created with blonde hair, or green eyes. The point is, it’s what God chose for them to be. I believe that God is, as the Bible tells us, a loving God. I have a hard time reconciling that with the belief that God would intentionally create some of his children to be aberrations or abominations in his sight. I believe that, thanks to free will, we all have the choice to become abominations, but I don’t believe he makes any of us that way.

Now, I realize that that doesn’t exactly line up with the common views of the Church, or even of most Christians, but that’s okay. There are lots of times when I don’t necessarily like the Church (I have a deep-seated dislike and distrust of any kind of hierarchy. Ironic, huh?), or even a lot of Christians (can YOU think of a more by-and-large, self-important and self-righteous group? I, of course, include myself among them). Besides, I cheerfully and fully admit that I could be wrong. God knows it’s happened before (at least on a daily basis, if not hourly).

THE POINT:

The point however, isn’t whether being gay is a sin or not. I’m not trying to convince anyone that I’m right (see previous italics). That is a pointless effort. The odds of me, as feeble as my faith, theological, and philosophical abilities are, of convincing anyone to change their deeply-felt and long-held beliefs are, and should be, slim. Right now, I’m just telling you what I think, and why. Mostly because I hate ambiguity. It’s okay if you don’t like me, or what I say, but I want you to be crystal-clear on why.

The point is, should practicing (and that in itself is a stupid word. I don’t know why it would take any more practice than being straight) gays be welcomed into our merry band of do-gooders, and if not, then why? We have had openly gay people come on the trip before, but they were alone, and it never became an issue (of course they were also relatives of mine, which may have had some bearing on it). I’m pretty sure we’ve also had closeted gay people on the trip, and it never became an issue. We have recovering alcoholics who still take a drink now and then come on the trip. We have people who have been divorced and remarried multiple times come on the trip. I’m pretty sure we have adulterers, and liars, and gossips, and gluttons, slothers (slothites?), and sinners of every other stripe come on this trip every year. I mean, good grief, I’m one of the leaders of this group, and I have successfully resisted the siren call of sobriety for decades. When I was single, I tried to indulge in pretty much every straight sexual sin I could, as often as I could, and the only reason I didn’t succeed was that (believe it or not) I was not exactly an Ace with the ladies. I don’t know that I’ve gotten through a single day in the last 40 years without indulging my penchant for profanity, obscenity, and vulgarity. I’m petty, I’m greedy, I’m a gossip, and a glutton, I’m proud and vain, and I know that my faith is infinitesimally smaller than a mustard seed. I know that Paul claimed to be the worst of sinners, but I’m pretty sure that I’d give him a run for his money.

So, if that’s the case, then why am I worried about a gay couple coming on the trip? Because of what others on the trip might think. We’ve had a hard time keeping this thing going, and we’re afraid that folks might not come back if there’s a gay couple in our group. And I’m not pointing fingers. I understand that many of the folks who come with us (like youth ministers, etc.) bring kids that are not their own, and that, kids being kids, they go home and tell their folks all about the trip, and that could easily have a deleterious effect on their employment and/or relationships with those parents. If nothing else, it’s a matter of pragmatism.

There’s also the point of view that would see it as an endorsement of what many Christians call “a sinful lifestyle”. Okay, fair enough. People justifiably need to be concerned about what their children see, and how it could influence their developing brains. However, I have to ask those people, what effect would it really have on their kids? Could it really be any worse than the “Kill ‘em all” movies and video games that they watch? Okay, it might make them question what they’re taught at home and in Sunday School and Church, but would not the sight of people treating each other decently, the sight of “sinners” trying to do the Lord’s work and help people also reinforce the far more important things we’re supposed to learn, like about loving each other, not judging, etc.?

Let’s face it; I’m not advocating some kind of homosexual recruiting program, I’m saying that people who want to serve the Lord should be welcomed, and that their personal relationship with God is between them and God. I don’t believe that any gay folks who might come on the trip would be aardvarking in front of the group, any more than any of the alcoholics would be getting wasted in front of them. Even I, with all of my foibles and propensities for sin, try to practice restraint when with the group (not always successfully, I might add, as anyone who has witnessed me trying to get my Gravely mower up into the truck can attest.)

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I guess the question is only partly, “Should gay couples be included in our trip?” A bigger question might be, “What kind of Christians are we when we need to be more worried about what other Christians think, than we are about doing, and helping other sinners to do, the Lord’s work of reaching people?”

Another question is, “What kind of Christians are we that we ask others to live a lie in order to associate with us without judgement?” It doesn’t really matter if homosexuality is a sin. If it’s not, then they should be welcome in our homes, churches, and lives, to join us in fellowship and worship of the Lord, and our own efforts to grow closer to him. If it is, then they should be welcome in our homes, churches, and lives, to join us in fellowship and worship of the Lord, and our own efforts to grow closer to him.

Anyway, I hope this long-winded and rambling blather makes some sense. I really do want to know what you think. Like all of us, I want to do what’s right and pleasing to the Lord. It’s just that in this case, I’m not sure what that is.

Please feel free to use the comment section to let me know what you think. Feel free to disagree with me (you can also agree with me if you want, it’s a free country). I just think that this is something that needs to be discussed, and rarely is.

As always, thanks for reading.

The Religious Freedom Shell Game

All About Me, Culture, Politics, Politics & Culture, Religion, Uncategorized

As much as I hesitate to do it, I’m going to weigh in on the current Indiana Religious Freedom Restoration Act controversy. I can’t help myself. I’ve wracked my brain, and can’t think of anything else to do to help me continue avoiding doing my homework. Besides, everyone else has, and it’s lonely out here. And kind of creepy, really. I feel like everybody’s looking at me, which is weird, because normally I’m pretty sure nobody cares at all what I think (which is probably the case here as well, but my inner narcissist is feeling saucy).

It’s also kind of weird because as a White, heterosexual, middle-aged, middle-class, male christian, whose only first-hand experience with religious persecution has been the waiting-for-the-punchline looks I frequently get from people when I say that I’m a Christian (you’ll note that I didn’t say I’m a good one. Honestly, I’m not sure there even is such a thing), I am undoubtedly one of the people who has the least to fear from this law. Seriously, I’m safely part of the demographic power majority in pretty much every category (and it’s pretty sweet, I can tell you). At any rate, I kind of feel like, since I’m safe, maybe I should just keep my mouth shut and ride it out (and if you’ve read this far, you’re probably thinking the same thing).

But enough about me. And I think that’s the problem. I think there is a very strong possibility that this is an intentionally planned nontroversy to keep everyone’s eyes off the shell that actually has the bean under it.

Let’s face it. Everybody thinks this bill is about them. Thanks to this law, religious bakers, florists, photographers, and other purveyors of wedding support services (because those are the only types I’ve heard held up as examples) can now feel safe from being forced to bake a gay wedding cake, make gay bouquets, take gay pictures*, or anything else that goes against their strongly held religious beliefs. They no longer have to worry about the hordes of litigious gays lining up to force them to ruin their gay wedding, although honestly, that just sounds like a way to spend a lot of money on lawyers to end up with spit cake, dead flowers, and bad pictures on your gay wedding day. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen, I’m just saying it doesn’t happen very often.

From the gay side of things, I can totally understand the concern. Right wing whack-a-do’s like Ted Cruz and Rick Santorum are coming out in support of the law, and that fact alone is enough to convince me that it’s a bad thing. Reading the law, it seems like businesses now have, at the very least, a legally protected way to discriminate against, and screw their employees (like they even need that in a “right to work state”). I also have no doubt that there are some few business owners out there who will use this law to discriminate against the LGBT community. I’ve never understood what religion has to do with civil rights. As I understand the constitution, we all have the same civil rights, in spite of our personal beliefs, not because of them.

I am kind of saddened though by the number of friends of mine, both gay and straight, who seem to be coming down very firmly on the “Fuck Indiana” side, because, just like the hordes of litigious gays, I’m pretty sure the number of religious business owners who can’t wait to refuse service to a gay person is largely imaginary. And, if it’s not, then that company will pretty much be signing its own death warrant, especially a small company.

I’ve been seeing a lot of stuff about how Mike Pence, the legislature, and the GOP didn’t expect this much backlash. I think that’s wrong. I think that not only did they expect it, they counted on it. I mean, for cryin’ out loud, the day after Pence signed the bill, the Indianapolis Star had a story on him signing the bill in a secret session. Some secret. Apparently, that’s one more word we need to add to the list of words that lawmakers don’t understand.**

I think this is an example of legislation at its best, from a public relations point of view. Everybody wins! The conservatives get to pander to the conservative Christians. The liberals get to pander to the LGBT community. Businesses and organizations as disparate as Apple, the NCAA,  Gen Con, and others get to look like heroes for loudly and proudly opposing the bill. People like me (see paragraph 2 above) get to choose; we can feel persecuted for our beliefs (Just like Jesus!), or we can take door number two and feel good about ourselves for being so loving and understanding of gays (Just like Jesus!). And the best part is, we get to pick in what way we’re Just like Jesus! (Seriously, it’s good to be us.)

The LGBT community gets to feel good about themselves because of the tremendous outpouring of support they’ve received from people, businesses, and organizations, and that’s got to feel extra good after being genuinely persecuted, ostracized, and frequently killed right here in the Good Ol’ U.S. of A,*** although really, that’s more of a consolation prize, kind of like receiving the home version after finishing 2nd on a game show (I never said everybody wins big).

The media get something to cry and/or scream about in their on-going 24/7 quest to completely polarize the nation for fun and profit, and the Internet comment trolls get lots of ammo for their ridiculous little flame wars. Like I said, everybody wins (sort of).

The thing of it is, I just don’t think that the bill’s intent really has anything to do with legalizing discrimination on religious grounds (although I’m pretty sure that the GOP would see that as a side benefit). I’m guessing that nobody in the legislature cares which side of the wedding cake you’re on, whether you’re the one spitting in the cake mix, or the one forcing someone to make your cake. I feel pretty confident that you don’t matter much to them at all.****

I look at it this way. We’ve already got that Bill of Rights, First Amendment, Freedom of Religion thing, right there in the Constitution, right? So what does this new law do that the first amendment doesn’t do? It specifically protects BUSINESSES from Government and Individuals. I think that the main point of this bill is to make sure that businesses, and particularly big businesses (like Hobby Lobby for example) have another legal basis for . . . well really, doing any damned thing they want, or avoiding having to do something they don’t want. Sort of a legal loophole, like a tax code loophole, only with lawyers instead of accountants. It also prevents individuals, specifically applicants, employees and former employees from being able to sue employers.

Mike Pence is already calling for an amendment to the bill to make sure it’s clear that business owners can’t discriminate in providing services, so how serious could he really have been about your cake? He doesn’t care about your cake, and neither does anybody else but you. What lawmakers care about is business, and businesses certainly care about the law. They have to. They’re the only ones who can afford it these days.

One bit of supportive evidence for this is from Gen Con.’s open letter protesting this stupid and pointless law. They, just like Mike Pence, ask for an amendment to the new law. If the new law is so offensive, why not demand it’s repeal? That would seem to be the sensible thing to do. You can’t abuse a law that doesn’t exist.

Ultimately, I think it’ll all come out in the wash. They’ll come out with some vaguely worded amendment that won’t satisfy detractors, but damp the fires enough to get the media to move on. Pence, Cruz, Bush, etc. will use it to garner support for Presidential runs, as will Clinton and Warren. Christians will still be left uneasy enough to fear persecution, gays will feel slightly mollified that people stood up for them. People won’t be forced to bake gay wedding cakes against their will, not because of government persecution, but because gays (at least most of them) aren’t stupid enough to go to a homophobic baker. There won’t be unusually large amounts of spit in the gay wedding cake, not because of an amendment prohibiting it, but because Indiana bakers (at least most of them) aren’t homophobic assholes in the first place. And businesses will walk away with a smile on their faces from being elevated one more step above the individual (gay or straight), at least legally, without any of the fuss that accompanied Citizen’s United.

The real question, for me anyway, is why, after so many years of being lied to and manipulated by government, business, and church, are we all still such easy marks?

One final note. This is all just my opinion. I have not meant to offend, belittle or demean anyone (well, except politicians, business, and what I believe to be an actually very small portion of Christian believers). If I did offend you, and you fall outside the parenthetical parameters previously stated, I apologize. Also, the very strong possibility exists that I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about. I feel no particular shame about this, as I’m pretty sure that keeps me in the majority (always go with the numbers). But, just in case you care enough to prove that I’m full of crap, here’s a link to the actual law: https://iga.in.gov/legislative/2015/bills/senate/101#

There is every possibility that you will be much better at deciphering the legaleze than I am. Please feel free to let me know if I’m wrong.

 

* Warning: unlike the other examples of both purveyors and products, that last one is a real thing. Trust me, Don’t Google it.

** Where it will be in good company with words, concepts, and phrases like: integrity, decency, cooperation, ethics, honesty, and put your dick away

*** As opposed to American Christians who have to travel to some really unpleasant places overseas in order to be properly persecuted, and let’s face it, who has that kind of time? We’re all too busy thinking of ways to avoid accidentally endorsing somebody else’s lifestyle.

**** If it’s any consolation, I’m pretty sure I don’t matter to them either, and as a member of the power demographic, that really kind of hurts.

 

Things I Don’t Understand #4: Advertising

All About Me, Culture, Home Life, Politics & Culture
DSC00574
Okay, so no one can escape the insidious and pervasive siren call of merchandising completely. Me and my Guinness hat on the shore of Loch Ness

I don’t get out much. Let’s just get that out there first thing. However, I do watch TV, and I leave the house to go to school every day, so, while it would not be accurate to say that I’ve got my finger on popular culture’s pulse, neither do I live under a rock. That said, I’m having more trouble every day understanding what passes for popular culture these days.

Take advertisements, for example. Have the American people gotten even more gullible than we used to be (how is that even possible?), or have the advertising wonks just abandoned any pretext of respect for us? I keep seeing advertisements for some new Nordic Stairelyptictreadmaster exercise machine thing. It starts out something like, “What’s the number one factor that prevents people from working out?”

Now I, like most of you, am sitting there watching this during my second or third hour of nightly TV watching, with a Diet Coke at my side, a party-size bag of Doritos in my lap, wishing it wasn’t so cold so I could go outside and have a cigarette, and this guy says, “Time. People just don’t have enough time.” Yeah, I think, as I shovel another handful of Doritos into my mouth, that’s why I don’t work out (well, time and allergies, since if I was to try to use any of the exercise equipment in my basement, it would raise such a cloud of dust that I’d probably sneeze myself into a heart attack long before the stress and shock of physical exertion did).

I mean, seriously, is there anybody on earth stupid enough to believe an ad like that? Anyway, this machine is going to solve the time problem for us because it’s been specially engineered to give you the same results as a regular 30 minute stair master or elliptical or treadmill workout in only 15 minutes or so. AND it’s so much more FUN!!! Okay, so I’ll probably buy one. At least then I’ll only have to feel guilty half as long when I walk past it on my way to the garage.

Even more mystifying to me is the advertising gimmicks that cigarette companies get up to. I’m so tired of opening up a pack of smokes and there’s some kind of “Marlboro Dollar” or “Camel Buck” that I’ve got to get past to get to my preciousssssss. I guess the deal is that I can save these stupid things up and trade them in for merchandise. They’ve got all kind of cool(?) stuff. Marlboro hats, shirts, lighters, posters, insulated cooler bags (I guess those are for carrying my beer around), etc., all so that I can proudly show the world that I’m using their product to kill myself. I would have thought that the bad breath, stinky hair and clothes, smoker’s cough, perpetual wheezing, and gasping for air after climbing three steps would have been enough advertising for them. Maybe they just want to make sure that everyone knows that their cigarettes are responsible for my bad breath, stinky hair and clothes, etc. Honestly, it seems kind of counterproductive to me.

It does however, lead me to the next part of advertising that I don’t understand: Why we seem compelled to turn ourselves into walking advertisements. When I was in the Air Force, myself and another guy had to travel to Canada for an exercise. He turned up at the airport wearing this jacket covered with Home Depot logos, so I figured that he must moonlight there. I also though, man, they really give their people some nice jackets. He was also a rabid NASCAR fan, and I had to listen to him go on and on about Tony Stewart. Everything I never wanted to know about Tony Stewart. His stats, his best times, his enemies, his wife’s name, his personal and professional philosophies (which seemed to consist of; drive fast, turn left, drive very fast), and so on. For three days, in cars, on planes, in restaurants, hotel rooms, and airports, I had to listen to it. By the time we got to our destination, I knew more about Tony Stewart than I did about my companion, and I’d worked with him for three years. It wasn’t until some time later that I finally realized that it was not a Home Depot jacket, it was a Tony Stewart jacket. Of course, the fact that it had Tony Stewart’s autograph and number on it probably should have clued me in sooner, but still.

Everywhere I look, people are walking around advertising everything from bands to booze to snack foods, and everything in between, often wearing multiple brand’s merchandise at the same time. And what about sports apparel? Why would anybody wear that? Does a guy built like Homer Simpson think he’s fooling anybody just because he’s wearing a Lakers jersey? Or does he just think that LeBron James (and I’m pretty sure that LeBron James doesn’t actually play for the Lakers, I just don’t care enough to look up who he does play for) needs that little bit extra publicity? Is he afraid that the $63 billion dollars that LeBron gets paid won’t be enough to keep LeBron motivated? That’s a lot of responsibility for a middle-aged, working-class guy.

Okay, so some athletic clothing is kind of cool. I myself used to wear a football jersey as a shirt. Of course, it was my jersey, that I wore for four years playing high school football for Northeastern High School (which is a whole other blog post). Granted, for the first year or so, I looked ridiculous. As a freshman, I got last dibs on the jerseys, so I, an extra-small freshman (4’11”, 98 lbs. seriously) got stuck with an extra-large jersey. As if that wasn’t bad enough, it was #69. It was so big, that when I tucked it in, it looked like #r0, and that was wearing it over the shoulder pads. Untucked, it hung to my knees. I wore that thing for years. I was proud of that jersey. I took some of the worst ass-kickings of my life in that jersey, but I always got back up and back on the line. That jersey meant something to me.

What could a fake Peyton Manning or LeBron James jersey mean to anybody? I mean, other than, “Hi there, my life is so pointless and uninteresting that I’m going around with someone else’s name on my back, hoping that will inspire someone to talk to me.” I guess I can understand it from the point of view of kids, but what kind of grown man does that?

Sometimes the stuff people wear is just disturbing. I’ve seen a lot of young women running around with “Juicy” emblazoned across their posteriors. Now, I don’t know what that’s all about, and there are a lot of adjectives that can apply to the posteriors of young women, but to me, “juicy” doesn’t make the list. When I think of juicy, I think of flying fluid, and that’s just not a visual I personally would want associated with my backside. I sometimes wonder what people are thinking.

Advertising is everywhere. There’s no escaping it. I guess to me the scariest thing is how easy it is for it to seep into your subconscious and make you think, “You know, if I could do it in 15 minutes a day, I would work out.”

Bah, Humbug: A Christmas Rant Just For You

All About Me, Culture, Home Life, Politics & Culture, Religion, Wives

Ok, I’ll admit it: I’ve had it with Christmas this year. I just can’t get into the spirit of things. I tried. I really did. I helped the wonderfully naughty and divinely nice Jess put up the tree and the lights on the house. I went Christmas shopping for the Grandkids, and felt like we got them some pretty cool stuff that was both inexpensive and useful/practical/fun.

Then I went shopping for Jess, and things just nosedived. I found what she had asked for pretty quickly, but I also always try to get her something as a surprise. Nothing expensive, just something not mass-produced, or at least not in this century. Every store I went to to try to find her something special or cool and unusual/unexpected this year was closed. That was disappointing.

I also had to get something for our family White Elephant gift exchange. I thought I’d go to the local “bookstore”, because they’ve got a lot of different stuff, and I thought I should be able to find something suitably stupid/funny. Wrong. First of all, I don’t think it really qualifies as a bookstore anymore. There are hardly any books, and of the books there are, 75 % of them are kid’s books, or “young adult” books. “Young adult”. Who are they kidding? Although it is a much nicer term than “basically grown-up and functionally illiterate, but still thinks carrying a book around will make them look smart”.

They do usually have a pretty good selection of novelty items (cheap, stupid junk that’s good for at least a half-hearted laugh), but not this year. Not unless you’re in the market for a Dr. Who action figure, or even worse, a Game of Thrones action figure (at least Dr. Who has been around for 40 or 50 years). It left me wondering, who do they sell this crap to? Who would want it? Let’s face it, if you’re old enough to watch Game of Thrones, then your action figure days really should be behind you. Way behind you.

Then of course, my guts went sideways on me. You know the feeling. You’re standing there, minding your own business, and suddenly it feels like giant hands are twisting your guts into balloon animals at the world’s worst children’s party. Somehow, this always happens to me when I’m in a bookstore, I’m not sure why. I think it’s just the smell of the books. It gets me all excited I guess. The only thing surprising about all this is that there are still enough real books in the place to get to me. Anyway, I head for the bathroom in that tense, walking-from-the-knees-down-only, whole body clinch (don’t try to deny it, you know what I’m talking about), and when I get there, what do I find? No seat. Seriously. It was deeply, deeply disappointing to say the least.

Now, I don’t have particularly high standards when it comes to bathrooms. I’m not overly finicky, but I do have some minimal expectations. Enough toilet paper, some perfunctory attempt at cleanliness, and a seat. That’s all I ask. The door doesn’t have to latch, I can hold it shut. The seat doesn’t even have to be bolted down securely. I prefer it to be, of course, but I can deal with some swivel in the seat. But there does have to be a seat. Now I’ll admit that I’ve gone into bathrooms that didn’t even have a toilet, just a hole in the floor, with a ceramic footprint on either side of it, but that was in places like Turkey and Kuwait, and it’s a matter of culture, not basic maintenance. At least those were clean.

This was no matter of culture . . . or was it? You know what? I’ll save that rant for another day. Suffice to say that thanks to an act of will perhaps unparallelled in modern times, I managed to duck-walk my way to the parking lot, climbed into my way-too-tall pickup, carefully worked the clutch and standard transmission all the way home, climbed down from my still way-too-tall truck, got into the house, ran the gauntlet of dogs, and made it to my own fully functioning bathroom without befouling myself. That turned out to be the highlight of my day. A little bit later, I went out to get the mail, and what to my wondering eyes should appear? A membership application from AARP.

Honestly, I think Christmas started going south on me a couple of weeks ago when I joined the choir at church. I’m not much of a singer, although I can do a pretty good Neil Young or Tom Petty, but they said they needed help, so I said why not. Now I wake up every morning with those horrible songs running through my head. In case you hadn’t guessed, I really don’t care much for religious music, much less religious Christmas music. It always just seems kind of vapid and fake. All that silent night, no crying, Mary smiling sweetly, Joseph looking on in wonder, Wise Men, solemn shepherds, everything just so . . . precious.

Think about it. Mary had just arrived in Bethlehem after walking, or at best, riding a donkey who knows how far in the extremely late stages of pregnancy. Think about how miserable women today are on a car ride to the hospital to give birth. Imagine if you asked one of them to give birth in a stable, with no drugs, no doctor, just her, Joseph, and maybe a bale or two of hay. There would not be a lot of sweet smiling going on. Not to mention the practical side of a virgin birth. Sure, it sounds wonderful to us, but how would you like to try squeezing a kid out through an intact hymen? Yikes. And then 3 weird rich guys turn up bearing gifts. The gold and the frankincense would be ok, but myrrh was used in funeral preparations. How would you like it if someone brought a coffin to your baby shower?

I think about Joseph, and I think; that poor guy. It’s tough enough for anybody to be a Step-Father, let alone Step-Father when God is the Baby Daddy. Talk about pressure. If he screws this kid up, he’s not going to end up in court. Plus he’s got all the neighbors whispering and giggling (you know they did, and you know we would too), and gossiping. How’s he going to discipline this kid. When this kid says, “You’re not the boss of me,” he’s right. Look closely at your Nativity set. Joseph’s not looking on in wonder, he’s catatonic with shock.

Now, I know some of you are saying that it wasn’t like that, it was just like in Silent Night. God could make it nice, and sweet, and painless, and wonderful. He’s God, he can do anything he wants. My response to that is why would he. God never pulled his punches on any of his other chosen people. He never even held back suffering from his own son.

When we think of all the heroes of the bible, we think of suffering. John and Paul in prison, Peter being crucified, Stephen being stoned (and not in a good way), and most of all, Jesus on the cross, suffering for all of us. It seems to me that maybe by sanitizing and preciousizing Christ’s birth, we do Mary and Joseph an injustice. That maybe we minimize and marginalize their roles, the roles that God chose them for. Because they did have to be very special people. Very strong people, very Godly people, people who knew right from wrong, and good, not only from evil, but from legal. What they did was extremely important, and like anything truly important, it could not have been easy.

Of course, maybe I just picked the wrong time of the year to quit smoking. Bah Humbug, and Merry Christmas anyway.