Just like in Spaceballs when they skip lightspeed to go to plaid, we’ve surpassed the old Chinese curse, “May you live in interesting times” to live in a ridiculous time. Frankly, it’s kind of embarrassing.
Take the Super Bowl (or Superb Owl, or Superbowel, depending on how you feel about it). I’ll admit that I was happy the Chiefs won: not that I care about the game, but I’ve honestly been enjoying all the Taylor Swift conspiracy theories. To be honest, I know nothing about Taylor Swift, other than that she’s very pretty, very popular, she died horribly in Amsterdam* and apparently, she is the most powerful force in American politics today. At any rate, the Chiefs’ victory ensured a brief continuation of what is, for me, the most ridiculous (and entertaining) of the current crop of conspiracy theories.
Ladies and Gentlemen, Taylor Swift – The most powerful woman in America
Watching the MAGAmaniacs (MAGAniacs?) carry on about how the Swift thing is a psyop**to help Biden win in November is pretty damned funny. I’m not even sure how someone would go about satirizing that. To be perfectly clear, I don’t know anybody who doesn’t think that whole thing is abominably stupid – and the vast majority of my friends are staunch conservatives. It’s not a conservative or Republican theory, it’s a bunch of nonsense promoted by televised right-wing talking heads, politicians, and professional shit-stirrers.
It’s also notable that over here on the left side of the field (well, left/center), that none of the televised left-wing talking heads, politicians, or political shit-stirrers are taking it seriously (which of course doesn’t stop them from going on about it in search of clicks and ratings***). But don’t get too excited – there’s plenty of other nonsense for them to get waaaay too excited about. The problem is, for me at least, that while many of the left-wing screaming points are almost as ridiculous, they’re just not that entertaining – or original (This just in: Great Googly-Moogly! Trump said something racist, sexist, incendiary, or indecipherable! What you NEED to know!). Good grief, it is Tuesday already? I kinda feel like my own side is letting me down.
I’ve also been enjoying all of the whining about how people resent all the screen time wasted showing Swift during the games: “I wanna watch football, not some lefty bimbo!” (I’m paraphrasing). I mean, I totally understand where they’re coming from: having to look at a pretty girl for anywhere from 30-60 seconds of non-playing time during a 4-hour-long broadcast must be horribly frustrating.
The lovely and talented Jess and I got rid of cable/satellite TV years ago, because we hate commercials. I know how frustrated I’d be if my streaming services started interrupting my movies periodically for something I’m in not interested in at all (lookin’ at YOU, Amazon!). However, I am having a little trouble understanding the whole objecting-to-looking-at-a-pretty-girl-because-of-her-politics thing, to be honest (not that I would ever objectify a woman – gotta maintain my liberal-left-wing-commie-pinko-fag card).
In other Super Bowl-related ridiculousness, how about that “Jesus Gets Us” commercial? Apparently, everyone hated it, for reasons with absolutely no overlap: I saw a video from a guy who was horrified by it, because it apparently Wokefies Jesus – obviously a lefty plot. Gasp! The horror! This dude is apparently horrified by the idea that Jesus loves everyone, and that we should too****.
I followed that up by reading an article about how horrible the ad is, because of the apparently shady organizations/motivations behind it (the Hobby Lobby folks among others), are using it as a bait-and-switch to lure LGBTQI+, women who might be thinking about an abortion, addicts, and other folks like that, who are desperate for acceptance in so they can be either “fixed” or crushed and discarded as irredeemable. Obviously a conservative plot!
Then there are the sort of Christians that I know and love – you know, the kind who genuinely try to love and care for everybody. They’re offended by the fact that a gazillion dollars that could have been spent taking care of people/helping people was spent on an ad. Okay, this one, I actually get.
Even when we don’t like something, we’re not happy unless everyone else hates it for the same reason we do. We are ridiculous people living in an increasingly ridiculous country. So we’ve got that going for us!
* For my money, one of the best movies of 2022* (ironically, her character in the film was the victim of a conspiracy – coincidence? Don’t be ridiculous!)
The older I get, the less I understand the world or anything in it. I just spent about half an hour on the Facebook and Twitter trying to figure out how many “followers” I have – something that sounds just as stupid as it is. The idea that anyone is following me is, quite frankly, horrifying and – I’m pretty sure – one of the signs of the Apocalypse.
I do take some small comfort in the knowledge that the term “followers” does not actually denote any kind of discipleship, worship, or adoration, but is actually social media-speak for “people who are marginally interested in what I have to say OR are just “following” me in hopes I’ll reciprocate” – which would admittedly be hard to fit on a little “button” (or is it “icon”?) on a screen. I say small comfort because I’m a word guy. I like words. I hope to make a living with them. I also feel pretty strongly that they have meaning – or at least that they used to.
And why was I trying to figure out how many followers I have? Because I’m trying to find an agent or publisher for my book, and many agents/publishers want to know that stuff . In addition to how many followers I have, they want to know how active I am on social media, do I have a website, do I have a blog, etc., and how will all that fit into marketing my book, should they deign to represent/publish it.
Seriously? I thought all that marketing stuff was their job (just another thing I’m clueless about). Here I was, thinking all I had to do was spend a couple years’ worth of blood, sweat, and tears researching, writing, re-writing, workshopping, and editing my book, not to mention all the actual money I spent on research, find someone to represent or publish it, and then it was just sit back, put my feet up and wait for the checks to start flooding in.
I mean sure, I figured I might have to do some promotional stuff, like bookstore readings, interviews, talk shows, maybe walk a few red carpets (kidding. I’m stupid, but not delusional), but not actually come up with some kind of marketing strategy. I’m not anybody’s idea of a salesman. I couldn’t sell ice cubes in hell.
And that’s just on the “somebody PLEASE buy my book” front.
Employment is almost as bad. See, I had a master plan – I’d go to graduate school, get an MFA, and then I could get a job teaching at a college. Hahahahahahahaha. Sadly, there were two things I didn’t know: 1) Unless you’ve got tenure or are at least in a tenure-track position (which at my age is extremely unlikely), it is almost impossible make a living teaching at a college as an adjunct (unless you’re just phoning it it or willing to work yourself to death).
And 2) I kind of suck at teaching. I wasn’t really expecting that. I think I was probably at least adequate (marginally), but I just could not connect with the students. Naturally, I blame them. Okay, not really. At worst, it was a 50/50 split, but I think the bulk of the problem was me. At any rate, I care too much about teaching to be willing to do it badly. At my age, I think I’m too set in my ways, and don’t really have time (or the inclination) to change.
So, I’ve gone back to something I am good at: being a Writing Consultant, or Mentor, or whatever they’re calling it this week, at IU East. It’s a great job, and I’m working with great people, but it’s only part-time. Still, I’m hoping it’ll be enough for us to get by until those bestseller-level checks start pouring in.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining (well not a lot, anyway). I’ve made every decision that got me here, and honestly, I don’t know that I’d change any of them if I could. I’ve met some great people along the way, and done some cool stuff, and learned a lot of lessons (many of which weren’t even painful!). I didn’t go to college to get a job. I went to college to learn, and to grad school to get better at the thing I love, which is writing. In both cases, I feel like I succeeded.
I can’t even say I’m surprised at where I’ve ended up. Given my predilection for stubbornness, hard-headedness, and self-destructiveness, I guess I’m surprised that I’m doing as well as I am. I blame it on my wife, the lovely, talented, and long-suffering Jess. My decision to pursue her relentlessly until I wore her down and convinced her to marry me is probably the only good decision I’ve ever made, or at least the absolute best one. She really is the best.
So anyway, here I am, a wildly overeducated middle-aged man with no practical marketable skills and no real inclination to develop any, hoping to strike gold as a writer. Trust me, I know how stupid it sounds – roughly as stupid as it is – still, a dreamer’s gotta dream, right?
Besides, I figure if the writing doesn’t work out and worse comes to worst, I can always go into politics (taking up prostitution seemed like a more decent and honourable option, but I saw myself in the mirror, so that’s off the table). Looking at the clown show that our congress has turned into, I figure its the one field in which a guy like me, with no discernible talents other than bullshitting, can still really shine.
Please join me now in prayer that it doesn’t come to that (seriously, if I do get my book published, buy a copy. If not for my sake, then for the sake of the country!)
I think this would make a great author photo for the back of my book OR a great political ad. What do you think?
Disclaimer: One of my favorite writers, Joe R. Lansdale has said that to be a good writer, you have to write as if everyone you know is dead. That’s what I’m doing in this piece. I’m not calling anyone out, but I’m not going to tip-toe around either. If you’re offended, that’s fine, just be offended (maybe take a minute to think about why you’re offended). None of this is intended as a personal attack on anyone, but on certain types of behavior that we’re all frequently guilty of. You’ve been warned.
Disclaimer 2: The following contains some bad language. I make no excuses and offer no apologies. If that sort of thing offends you to the point where it takes precedence over what’s being said, then do yourself a favor and stop reading now.
Stupid Generalizations
Yesterday, I started writing a post about how words, and how we string them together have meaning. I’ve abandoned that post, since I’ve come to the conclusion that most people just don’t care, at least not in America.
That last sentence brings me to my first point: when I first wrote it, it said “. . . no one cares . . .”, which is a gross, and inaccurate generalization. Lots of people in America actually do care. The actual issue, the reason I’ve abandoned that post is that it’s pointless. The people who do care would hopefully read it and agree, but those it was aimed at wouldn’t even bother reading it. I’d just be preaching to the choir, and there’s enough of that kind of bullshit going on in this country right now (which is another point I’ll get to later).
But aren’t we all guilty of making those same kind of gross and inaccurate generalizations, even when we know them to be completely untrue. Every day I see videos, and read “news” articles and social media posts, and hear conversations doing this same thing. Keep in mind that I’m not talking about politicians, or the professional talking heads on the news networks, or internet “influencers” (whatever/whoever they are. I just found out that’s actually a thing), nor the websites of extremist propagandists of every stripe. For the most part, I believer those people are at best, extremely biased, and anything they say should be fact-checked, and at worst – well, I would say they’re whores, but as my dad would have said, that would be denigrating whores.
Nope, I’m talking about normal (whatever that is) people. For argument’s sake, lets say people like you and me (except for YOU of course – you know who you are*). People whom I know to be decent, reasonable, intelligent, caring, and basically good human beings. We’re talking liberals, conservatives, Christians, agnostics, atheists, and undeclared, gay, straight, trans, etc., about as broad slice of the human spectrum as you’re likely to get in rural Indiana.
People who, for all their sterling qualities frequently use the phrase “all conservatives”, “all liberals”, “all Republicans”, “all Democrats”, “all Christians”, “all Muslims”, “all fill-in-your-own-favorite-existential-threat-to-our-country/religion/way of life/etc. demographic”. You know; dipshits. The kind of people who if you were to claim something derogatory about their group would protest vehemently that you can’t attribute the worst whatever of the most extreme branch of whatever group they belong to, to every – or even most – of that group.
Lets face it: anyone who knows anything about people knows that generalizations are pretty much useless and provably false (although is that a generalization in itself?). But we insist on doing it anyway, shrilly and belligerently and as loudly as they can.
I know they’re not going to stop, so all I can say is that I’d appreciate it if you could stop doing that crap around me anyway? At least if you have any interest in me actually listening and considering whatever it is you have to say. On the other hand, I do have to say that it does save me a fair amount of time, since I’ve found that pretty much anything that starts with or includes “all conservatives/liberals/Christians/Muslims/etc. . . .” is basically bullshit anyway, so there’s no sense bothering to read it.
I know a lot of Conservatives/Republicans. Most of my “friends” on the Facebook, and in real life are Conservatives/Republicans. None of them wants to cage children, watch you die because you don’t have health insurance, want to send our troops to more endless wars, or block any legal voter from the polls. Are there some Conservatives/Republicans who either do want to do those things or at least are okay with it? Yes there are, but I don’t know any. The ones I know would give pretty much anyone in need the shirt off their back. At least that’s what I believe they’d do, and I like believing in people.
I also know a lot of Liberals/Democrats. None of the ones I know want open borders, or Soviet-style socialism, or to even get rid of capitalism, to force preachers to gay-marry people, or to destroy the country. Are there some that do want those things? Absolutely there are (although I’m not really sure about that “destroy the country” thing. Not sure what anyone stands to gain from that), but I don’t know any. The ones I know are just as decent and caring , and just as supportive of our country and rights as the conservatives I know.
I would go so far as to say that virtually all of the conservatives I know have way more in common with the vast majority of liberals I know, and vice versa. In fact, I believe that they have more in common with each other than either have with the extreme wing of their own group.
That’s why those bullshit generalizations just make things worse: They’re divisive, hateful, and destructive. That’s the sort of thing that no one who spends any time thinking about the people they know would say.
“All . . .” is the sort of phrase that tells the audience more about the speaker/writer than it does about whoever it is they’re talking about. Before you do it again, think about what it tells people about you.
*Just a joke. Not intended toward any actual person. Still, I have to say I’m curious to see if/how many people take it personally.
Since I’ve already posted the Kirkus review of my novel, Thumperica! A Novel of the Ghost of America Future, I feel that, in the interest of presenting a fair and balanced view, I have a responsibility to post the following review from Shelley Gorin, a woman of undeniable taste and depth. Enjoy!
Thumperica!: A review by Shelley Gorin.
The definitive evidence for me of a book being worth reading, or at least being something I’m connecting with on some level, is that overly-cliche’d “inability to put it down.” No matter how “quiet” I try to get in order to have time to read, my life ends up full of nearly-nonstop interruptions. If I’m not really into a book, those interruptions will have me justifying putting it down constantly, and then having an excusably-hard time getting back into it. If I’m really drawn in, however, I’m shushing the interruptions and sacrificing sleep to get it finished.
Thumperica was both of those for me, at different times. That’s just the normal consequence, I think, of a major hurdle that naturally has to be overcome when setting the stage for the events of a story that’s just enough outside our humdrum daily life and circle of awareness to require some deeper explanation. America TM’s state at the opening of the book seems almost completely unbelievable without such further explanation… almost.
Due to the nature of having to lay a LOT of groundwork and presenting a rather fantastic world (that most of us would not like to admit openly – or even privately – could actually come true), there was a lot of detail and explanation that came along with the core story, especially at the outset. At the start, copious amounts of footnotes seemed almost distracting. They ended up, however, being one of the book’s strengths, and something I clung onto to help me navigate the difficult groundwork.
The first handful of chapters were admittedly hard for me to stick with – they hit me like Tolkien’s Silmarillion, that was so detailed and so outside my brain’s normal ability to retain an overload of information outside its little bubble, that I had to keep re-reading pages and chapters it to try to get it to stick. There was a LOT of detail in Thumperica’s first chapters that left me going, “Wait, what? I can’t remember what that was. Who was that again?”… and a LOT acronyms. I couldn’t read it, originally, any time my anxiety was flared up, because my brain just got overloaded with info and stopped taking it in.
However, instead of leaving it and not coming back, I kept going back to pick it up and push through. Part of that was a promise – I said I was gonna read it! Most of what initially hooked me, though, was the hidden humor and the play on names… I’d be reading along, trying to keep up, and suddenly do a spit-take. There were also a few times I thought, “Oh man, Lloyd’s not right in the head,” and smiled. But mostly I stuck it out because there was just enough “could be true” woven in, that I wanted to see just how this whole mess of a nation might turn out.
In all frankness, Thumperica is a WEIRD book. It is clearly written by someone who has little interest in following status-quo success recipes for best sellers. It’s probably not going to make the New York Times best seller list (though who knows?), but it’s a worthwhile read. I want to say it was about a quarter of the way through that I found I was staying up late to finish chapters, or I was shushing interruptions. It happened subtly. But sticking it out through the initial info overload was worth it, once the chess pieces started to move.
There were many moments where I felt the plot was over the top – a country couldn’t POSSIBLY become THAT effed up. And yet, if Scripture tells us that things like adultery actually occur in the heart, or that a man is as he thinks in his heart, Thumperica is a frightening exposure of just how dark, depraved, and gluttonous mankind can be, if we are brutally honest with ourselves. And if that fantastic and depraved world is unrealistic, the fantastic and depraved thoughts in our own minds are not. As such, Thumperica is a book that might make you a wee bit uncomfortable, if you’re prone to self-examination. And if our basest human instincts (not simply sexual, as some might assume, but greed, power, control, all-who-aren’t-like-me-are-bad, or mine-is-bigger kind of thinking) are left to run amok; if we become, personally or as a country, increasingly desensitized over generations to things like basic human conscience and dignity, and we re-write the rules or re-spin the sacred to support such things, is it truly that far-fetched?
Is that not exactly what we’ve already done as a nation? We can’t be naive enough to think that we as a people have not been guilty of genocide, degradation, or humiliation of races and peoples on the scale of Hitler, in our past. The kind of world presented in Thumperica is certainly extreme, but it is already in existence; it already HAS been in existence. And it may be in a bit of existence in each of us.
Further back in mankind’s history, “civilized” humans once killed other humans for entertainment; they certainly have killed for lust or power or greed in our generation as much as in the first. If someone held a magnifying glass to our basest thoughts or perhaps gave them free reign, it’s frighteningly possible that things could decline to the state in which Thumperica begins. They seem too far-fetched and yet too near to what we wish not to see in reality; they could have easily been predicted by Irving’s Owen Meany, and it feels as though they were. There are elements of this book that seem to be a nod that one. And though my first instinct was to laugh and how absurd it all sounded, there is enough in my life experience to say that the comedy of it all reveals a real tragedy underneath.
I am left wondering what my own part might be in the macabre play, if I keep my eyes closed. I truly did not know where this book was going, or could possibly go; it certainly didn’t go where I thought it would. It didn’t wrap up with a neat little bow, and it didn’t follow predictable patterns of overused plot devices. But that’s the reality of the world in which we live – rarely does anything go as expected, and even knowing that mankind repeats itself endlessly (“nothing new under the sun,”) that knowledge doesn’t help us prevent those twists and turns, or even stop the unfairness of it all.
But sometimes…. sometimes, evil will overreach and be its own undoing. And that is the hope for those seemingly doomed under it all in this book and in life – if we question those things our conscience can’t abide, and we’re willing to risk fighting for it, even when the odds are stacked, maybe evil things will stumble.The book certainly leans strongly left, but even those leaning strongly right can find good substance here, if they’re willing to set aside party and politics enough to let it simply be a magnifying glass on mankind left to its own devices. It wouldn’t matter what party or what political leaning a person claimed, the potential is there for anyone willing to question what blind allegiance to blind national ambition can lead to.
Thumperica is NOT a book I’d recommend my mother read, or a Sunday School class, or anyone easily offended – unless being offended is the very thing they need. There are elements to the book that won’t be fitting for the book club, but they just might be the food for thought we need in the days and years ahead.
Until today, I’ve been largely undecided on who to support in the 2020 election. I’ve favoured Warren, but I also like Sanders, Biden, and several other Democrats. I haven’t heard anything from any Republican candidate that makes me feel like they won’t either all be behind bars or camping out in a non-extradition-treaty country.
Today however, I saw news that has definitely swung me further in Warren’s favor: Jeff Zuckerberg has insinuated that, if Warren wins and attempts to “break up” the bit tech companies like the Facebook, he’ll have to sue the government.
Why has this swung me further in favor of Warren? I’m glad you asked (for Pete’s sake, just go with it). Is it because Warren wants to bust up the big corporations? Nope. I already knew that (and think it’s a pretty damned good idea).
Is it because I dislike the Zuck? Nope. Although, I’m pretty sure that, if I ever met him, I wouldn’t like him.
No, I’m moving farther into Warren’s camp simply because it will finally give me a strong enough reason to boycott the Facebook. Right now, I find myself spending way, way, way too much time on there (oh yeah, like I’m the only one). Honestly, it’s really kind of embarrassing. I am – theoretically anyway – a full-grown, adult, man. I should have better things to do.
I do, of course, have better things to do: writing, laundry, dishes, playing with the dogs, cleaning up after the dogs, feeding the dogs, letting the dogs in, letting the dogs out, wondering where the dogs are, etc., and my world would probably be better if I spent my time doing those things. I’d probably be happier too. But I just don’t wanna!!!!!
Also, DAMN!!!!, the Facebook is addictive. It sucks you in with the Ozzy-man videos, the cute critter videos, the idiots-falling-off-things-they-should-have-known-better-than-to-get-on-in-the-first-place videos, the family updates, etc. (you know, all the reasons you signed up in the first place), and then you find yourself trapped (or at least I find myself trapped. From here on out, I’ll just talk about myself. Feel free to feel the same or differently than me).
Trapped by the endless barrage of political bullshit, some of which I’ll agree with, and therefore specifically avoid attempting any kind of fact-checking, and some of which I’ll disagree vehemently with, leading me to:
a) fact-check the shit of out of it so I can post a snide “hahaha, this proves your post is bullshit!” response (I have to admit, that’s a personal favor of mine, although I do try to restrain myself), or
b) post a calm, erudite, well-thought-out response (a seldom-used technique) that will trigger a storm of angry, name-calling, poorly-thought-out responses, or
c) Skip the calm, erudite, blah, blah, blah, and just jump right into the on-line shitstorm with my own favorite brand of venom (I make a real effort to steer clear of this option but, in my feed anyway, this is clearly the most popular choice among other users of the Facebook).
I’m also trapped by an incredible amount of passive-aggressive behaviour: passive-aggressive Christianity (I’m not ashamed of Jesus, and not afraid to post it! Who else isn’t afraid?), passive-aggressive patriotism (I’m not ashamed of the USA-the Constitution-flag-military-president-whatever, and not afraid to post it! Who’s with me!). Passive-aggressive support (there are both secular and Christian varieties of this: a typical secular post reminds you that YOU are the storm, the Christian variety reminds you that God’s using this storm to protect you, make you grow, teach you to trust him, etc.) All essentially meaningless pablum or self-justification.
I’m trapped by a seemingly endless parade of people who seem to believe that growing up without computers and cell phones, and getting our asses beat confers some sort of moral superiority on us crusty old farts, without acknowledging that WE were the ones who gave all that crap to our kids, often because we wanted them to have all the things WE never had.
But mostly, I’m trapped by my own sort of spiritual or mental ennui. I’ve got things I want to say, but don’t know how to say them without getting pissed off, or without pissing off the very people I’m trying to reach. So, I find myself just endlessly scrolling, scrolling, scrolling my life away. At least that’s how it feels sometimes. What’s even sadder is that I’m pretty sure that the spiritual/mental ennui is actually generated by looking at the Facebook. It’s a vicious circle, and just like any other addiction, damned hard to break.
Now I realize that at this point, you’re all probably saying, “well then, just quit the Facebook, dumbass” (seriously, you guys need to start watching your language), and you’re absolutely right. The problem is that I’m just not good at doing anything good for me. The only thing that seems to work for me is anger.
And THAT’S why I want a good reason to boycott the Facebook (and don’t get me wrong, I’m not asking anyone else to join me – I don’t need to. The last thing I boycotted was Papa John’s pizza because, in my opinion, Papa John was a rich dickhead who cared way more about making money than about taking care of his employees. I boycotted Papa John’s on my own, and lo and behold, four or five years later, Papa John was ousted. That’s right – that’s the kinda power I’m wielding*). The Zuck suing the government to protect his right to exclusively violate my rights will really piss me off.
Maybe then I’ll develop enough character to get out of the social web. On the upside, bitching about it here has kept me from indulging it there. Of course, I’ll have to get on there to let you know I’ve written this. It’s a vicious circle.
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*Yeah, yeah, I know. Just let me live in my ridiculous little fantasy, will ya?
Some days fate just intervenes. Take today for example: I sat down earlier and started writing a post. It was a beautiful thing – witty, wise, erudite, everything you could want in a post. I was Moonsplaining something very important, when my computer took a giant dump and I lost everything.
After dealing with the initial rage that occurs every time a piece of technology betrays me (admit it, it affects you the same way too), I decided to take a break. I had a smoke, had lunch, did the dishes, brushed my teeth, took a long-overdue shower and, as I was drying off and trying to remember what it was I was writing about so that I could try to recreate it, I realized that it was really pointless, especially since I couldn’t actually remember what the very important thing was that you needed me to explain, and in fact it was probably a good thing the computer crashed.
There are enough bloviating assholes out there telling you how you should think, and why you should think that way. You don’t need me piling on. Especially in light of the fact that I probably have no idea what I’m talking about (just like most of you, in all likelihood).
I think part of the problem is all the emphasis on “tolerance” today. We’re told we have to be tolerant. To treat those who think, or believe, or act differently, or just are different from us with tolerance.
I think that’s well-intentioned, but wrong. “Tolerance” implies that there is something wrong with whatever or whoever you’re tolerating – at best they’re guilty of something they just can’t help, so you should be nice to them. The problem is that deep down, tolerance means that we think everything would be okay if everybody thought, acted, and believed like we think they should, so we need to convert them.
Thing is, I don’t know anyone who wants to be “tolerated”. I certainly don’t want to be, not by anyone. I personally prefer to be accepted (or rejected) for who and what I am (whoever and whatever that may be – the jury’s still out on that).
I don’t want to tolerate anyone. I want to accept them. I shouldn’t feel that you should change to suit me, nor should you need me to change to suit you. That’s what tolerance gets you. It breeds negativity, distrust, and ultimately hatred.
It causes know-it-alls like me to think that what we think about things needs to be heard by YOU, when the truth is that YOU don’t need to hear anything from me.
I’m not saying that we should be accepting of everything: for example, pineapple on pizza is just an abomination. However, I do have to accept that there are people out there who feel differently about it. Since there is no law, legal or moral, against it, I’ve just got to deal with it. Besides, other than their aberrant pizza preferences, most of them are probably pretty nice people. I need to accept them. I also don’t have to eat their pizza, and just because they’re wrong doesn’t mean I’m right (although I am).
The same could go for any number of things, including most of the things that are dividing us right now.
I’m also not saying that I’m going to stop telling you what I think. I’m only human after all. But I am going to try to do it in an accepting fashion, fully aware that you probably don’t agree with me. That’s okay. I might not even be right. Just keep in mind that you might not be right either, and try to be a little accepting as well.
As you may or may not know, I have actually written (and published) a full-length novel entitled: Thumperica! A Novel of the Ghost of America Future. I’m pretty proud of it, I think it’s pretty darned good (of course, all parents think their baby is beautiful, even the parents of ugly ones), and I think it’s got some important food for thought on the direction this country is headed. It’s available in print, and as an ebook on both Amazon.com and Barnes and Noble.com
It’s been on sale for about a month and, although there have actually been some sales, I’ve got a long way to go before I get on the best seller’s lists (8 down and 4,992 to go! Stephen King is probably not losing sleep yet.).
At any rate, I’ve decided that maybe a free first taste might be just the thing to generate some interest (yes, I do mean sales. You see right through me, don’t you?), after all, it seems to work for heroin (not that my book is bad for you in any way, unless you think that being caused to think is a bad thing, in which case, I think you need to rethink your thinking).
Anyway, all this self-promotion (and yes, I do mean shameless begging) is getting a little embarrassing, so without further ado, please enjoy the foreword and 1st chapter of Thumperica!
The cover of the ebook edition, designed by yours truly.
Glossary of Acronyms
AARP—American™s Actively Resisting Persecution
ACRONIM—Agency for Contraction of Rightful, Officially eNdorsed Idioms and Meanings.
ANGEL—Angelic Nymph of God’s Exquisite Love
BIEF—Better Ingredients in Every Food
CA or C of A—Church of America™
CEOPIPOTUSGAME—Chief Executive Officer of the President-in-Perpetuity of the United States and God’s Annointed Messenger on Earth
CIO—Chief Information Officer
CMO—Chief Military Officer
COO—Chief Operations Officer
CPO—Chief Pastoral Officer
CSO—Chief Security Officer
GOON—Guardians Of Our Nation
HARLOT—Hospitality And Recreational Leisure Operations Trainee
Excerpt from Silas Joiner’s book, What Happened? How We Got Here, and Who’s to Blame, published by Liberty Island Underground Press, in 2183:
In the early part of the 21st century, mankind collectively went completely off the deep end. Decades of war, terrorism, fear, economic collapses, a resurgence of nationalist movements, creeping paranoia, distrust of establishment politics, and willful ignorance, fueled by organized campaigns of misinformation caused the United States to elect the bizarrely coiffured, financially and morally bankrupt businessman, and reality television falling star, Ronald Thump, president[1] in 2016.
These events were followed closely by an explosion of corporate imperialism, accompanied by a corresponding increase in world-wide poverty. National governments, apparently feeling left out, or perhaps just not recognizing their own growing irrelevance, responded with an increase in totalitarianism and nationalism.
Roughly half-way through his first term, President Thump resigned, citing health issues and pointing out that it had absolutely nothing at all to do with the blizzard of indictments against members of his staff, cabinet, and administration, as well as himself. In his farewell address, he stated: “I’m tired. I’ve been working so hard, and, I must say, doing such a great job—wouldn’t you agree?—I thought so. I’m going to take a little break, just a little break—I know, I know, I’ll miss you too—but I’m leaving you in good hands. Great hands—the best hands—C’mere Mike, show ‘em your hands—look at how big his hands are—he’s a chip off the old block, trust me, you’re in good hands. And don’t worry, I’ll be keeping an eye on things. If things start to go bad—and how could they with this guy in charge, am I right? Of course I am. You know it, I know it, everybody knows it—but I promise you—I will be back, and we’ll keep working together to make America the greatest and most powerful country the world has ever seen.” This, of course, is only an excerpt from the rambling 45 minute speech. Following the speech, Thump disappeared from public life completely, leading to speculation among his enemies that he had died. His political base however, continued to insist, for hundreds of years, that he was still alive, and just hasn’t resumed power because everything is going just fine. Vice President Michael Shilling was sworn in as President.
Before his resignation, President Thump had begun building his Mexican Border Wall, but the collapse of the U.S. economy left it unfinished. Mexico, completely disgusted, and unable to support the number of illegal immigrants flooding across its borders from the U.S., completed the wall in 2019. Numerous wars broke out world-wide, increasingly fought by corporate-owned mercenary armies.
Public confidence in conventional institutions continued to disintegrate: in 2019, the satirical news website The Onion was designated “America’s most trusted news source.” One popular comment was, “Well, at least with the Onion, I know it’s bullshit. With the rest, who knows?” The entire staff of The Onion resigned in disgust.
Shilling took credit for “forcing” Mexico to pay for the wall, and, campaigning on a platform of “Still Making America Even Greater Again” won a second term, aided by the disenfranchisement of minorities, immigrants (anyone less than 3rd-generation American on both sides), homosexuals, and the implementation of a complex illiteracy requirement (people with a high school diploma or less, got two votes, as did collegiate business majors. Humanities and Liberal Arts majors got ½ vote each. In Shilling’s words, “We’re giving power back to the good and godly Christian people who made this country great.”).
Early in his second term, Canada began erecting its own wall. The European Union collapsed, and took Great Britain with it, possibly out of spite. Industry stalled, as did much scientific research and advancement[2]. Poverty, disease, starvation, drought, and warfare began to wipe out huge portions of the world population (ultimately by as much as 60%, over the next 100 years, thanks to the reportedly “inadvertent” release of several man-made viruses). President Shilling was impeached and 92% of the nation’s Senators, Representatives, and governmental officials were indicted for high crimes and misdemeanors.
A special election was held, and ThumpCorp, former President Thump’s corporation, ran for the office of President, citing the historic “Citizens United” ruling by the Supreme Court as precedent[3]. It won in a landslide. Thump’s fifteen-year-old son and CEO of ThumpCorp, Viscount Thump, was sworn in as CEO of the President of the United States of America.
In 2022, President ThumpCorp, citing increasing civil unrest, suspended habeas corpus, established privately-run industrial “patriotism retraining” camps, and began implementing huge cuts to the national military, increasing reliance on defense contractors like the Koch Rangers, the Cheney Freedom Fighters Inc., the Republican Guard, and its own personal military and security force, the Thumpers. Texas seceded[4] again, setting a precedent that would gain popularity in the coming years.
In 2024, President ThumpCorp won a second term, campaigning on “Still Making America the Greatest Ever Again,” after disbanding Congress and the Supreme Court, completing privatization of the U.S. military, and revoking presidential term limits. The nation splintered.
Eventually, a total of six new nations would emerge from the wreckage of the former Superpower: Texas, the New Confederate States of America[5], the Indian Nations[6], Cascadia[7], the Nation of Zion[8], and the United States of America[9], leaving the original United States of America™ (trademarked in 2025), a mere fragment of its former self. Most of Southern California broke off and sank, and the ocean flooded the remainder, from roughly San Francisco to Mexico.
All of these nations built walls wherever no natural boundaries, such as mountain ranges or major rivers existed. Alaska, apparently feeling the need for an even stronger, more authoritarian leader, seceded and was voluntarily annexed by Russia. ThumpCorp’s government responded by suing Russia for a refund. Everyone apparently just forgot about Hawaii, Puerto Rico, and the American Virgin Islands, which were happy to win their independence by default.
The splintering of nations was not limited to the U.S.A. The United Kingdom also split into its component parts. Around the globe, nationalism continued its slide into tribalism, resulting in countless civil wars, and such a constant redrawing of national boundaries that soon Cartography had the highest suicide rate of any profession.
In 2025, ThumpCorp declared itself “President-in-Perpetuity of the United States of America™,” at the same time that a coalition of the three largest and most powerful evangelical organizations, the Diehards In Christ, the Knights of Heaven, and the Evangelicals Against the Destruction of Society[10], proclaimed CEOPIPOTUS Viscount Thump “God’s Anointed Messenger on Earth.” Shortly thereafter, the three organizations combined to form the Church of America. CEOPIPOTUSGAME Thump quickly announced Christianity as the official religion, and the Church of America as the official church of the United States of America™
Over the next one hundred years or so, chaos reigned worldwide, with national borders shifting constantly. More walls went up. Eventually, everyone either died, ran out of ammunition, or just decided they’ve had enough. National borders stabilized. The more totalitarian regimes were too busy trying to control the undesirable portions of their own populations, and stopping the flood of refugees from their lands to devote time or resources to conquest. Gradually things settled down, and people began rebuilding.
Inside the dark and dusty ACRONIM office[12], Hubert Dillerschlinger was not a happy man. A very literate and, he liked to think, literary man, he spent all day, every day, all alone[13] in this room, his desk flanked on one side by a table supporting a gigantic, ancient dictionary, and another table with a matching thesaurus on the other. These were the tools he used to mutilate language to please morons, twisting meanings and mutilating beautiful words to give tacitly legal justification for the powerful to mock the powerless.
A short, baby-faced, bespectacled, balding, slightly overweight black man of forty-two years, he had started out as a messenger, and slowly worked his way up through the clerical ranks despite his race. Of course, his bookish demeanor and natural timidity had certainly helped, as had his Germanic surname; Hubert suspected that many of his superiors, having never deigned to meet him, were probably unaware of his race[14].
Hubert had dreams beyond this office however; he dreamed of writing a book – a book that would change the world, that would expose the rot in America™ to the light of day, and change the corrupted hearts and minds of the people, causing them to turn away from their xenophobia, from their fear of each other, from their prostituted, state-sponsored religion, and spur them to take their freedom back[15], but for now, he had to turn HONESTY into an acronym for the “revamped”[16] Office of TRUTH, and Y’s were always a bitch to work with.
The office acronyms were bad enough, but what really stuck in Hubert’s craw were the job titles. He felt that while most people, if they thought about it, could see through the office acronyms, it was the titles and terms by which they were referenced, that did the most damage. If girls were taught from an early age to want to grow up to be a HARLOT or a WENCH, if boys were raised to think that being a THUG, or a GOON was the highest aspiration a boy could have, if working class children grew up thinking of their parents (and themselves) as MORONS and SAPS, then they would always think of themselves as harlots, wenches, thugs, goons, morons, saps, etc., even though, deep down, they would know what those words really meant. As a NIGGERR who had risen to the ranks of middle-management, he knew that much.
Hubert looked at the clock; quitting time, thank God. “Are we ready to call it a day, Mr. Johnson?” he asked his GOON, Charlie Johnson, who was dozing in the corner[17].
“Hmh? Oh.” Charlie looked at the clock on the wall, “Yeah, yeah. I was about to say that.” Charlie wiped at the line of drool dripping from his chin. “I was just resting my eyes for a minute,” he said, for the benefit of the ThumpCom CompleteSecure camera mounted in the corner.
Hubert assumed the traditional position while Charlie patted him down to make sure he hadn’t pocketed anything, Like there’s anything here to steal, they both thought, and then Charlie escorted Hubert through security, and out to the street.
“See you tomorrow Hubie.”
“Yes sir, Mr. Johnson. Seven o’clock sharp, just like always.”
The two parted; Charlie headed to the bar, and Hubert for home. As he walked the potholed streets and broken sidewalks, past the murals and statues of the various Thumps and other national heroes, he saw some GOONs beating a handcuffed kid for spray painting “Fuck ThumpCorp!” across the bottom of a mural showing Genghis Thump[18] riding a bald eagle as he slaughtered some generic enemies of the nation. Everywhere he looked were flags, banners, and stickers displaying the golden Thumpsticka, the Revolving T of Thumpian Progress (building a better next week, tomorrow!) The few people on the street made a point of not noticing each other, as they scurried from one door to another, like roaches hiding from the light. It made him sick. This is no way for people to live.
It was only a thirty minute walk from the office to his apartment (twenty if he was feeling particularly brave or extra late, and took the old subway tunnels that crisscrossed the city, but like most of the not-that-desperate, he preferred the streets), and he didn’t see one smiling face or even anyone making eye contact. It all made him that much more glad to be home. At least in his apartment, he had his books, and there were no people to remind him of how alone he was.
While unlocking the door to his basement apartment, Hubert surreptitiously checked the door for signs that it had been opened. The toothpick was still wedged into the doorframe, but the short length of monofilament line glued to the inside top of the doorframe was protruding on the outside of the door. Someone had been inside, someone who didn’t want him to know. That meant government men, probably GOONs. Thieves wouldn’t have cared, and wouldn’t have bothered closing the door, much less replace the toothpick, and TIA agents would have been smart enough to realize the toothpick trick was too well known. Either that, or they thought he was stupid enough to rely on it anyway.
Either way, it made him happy. There was nothing the least bit incriminating in his apartment, and, knowing that they had been here made finding both the listening device and the drugs they’d hidden much easier. He left them both alone. He had nothing to hide from the bug, and, if they (whoever “they” were, this time) really wanted to get him, then getting rid of the drugs would just tip them off that he was onto them[19].
He changed his clothes, and then heated up a Wealthy Choice meal[20]. He hated the very idea of them, but as exploitative and condescending as they were, he had some faint hope that at one point, the food may have had more than a passing acquaintance with a farm, as opposed to a laboratory. He knew he should just be happy that, as a government employee, he could afford to eat at least that well. He felt vaguely guilty as he thought of the vast majority of Americans™ who couldn’t, and had to make do with BIEFburger[21] and VEGGIES[22] or worse, for every meal. As always, he didn’t know whether to be relieved or disappointed when it turned out to be almost completely tasteless. After dinner, he cracked a can of Thumpweiser, selected a book – The Collected Works of John Stuart Mill, cleverly printed with a cover from Mein Kampf[23] – from his meager collection, and sat down to read[24].
When the alarm on his Trumplex wristwatch beeped, he laid the book aside, removed the watch, leaving it on the arm of the chair[25], and used a remote control to start random playback of the sound effects he had recorded of himself coughing, going to the bathroom, fixing a drink, and making various other “no need to worry, I’m right here at home” noises.
He slipped quietly out the door, setting his little traps, softly closing it as the recording played a particularly harsh coughing fit. He made his way out the back of the building into the dark streets, winding his way through the street markets, past the buildings with their giant murals of the various Thumps and other national heroes. When he reached the Only The Best Chinese Takeout, he stepped inside.
A counter ran the full width of the room, trapping the customers in a short but extremely wide waiting area, and the air reeked of rancid oil and burnt meat and noodles. There was only one other customer. “Use your bathroom?” Hubert asked the surly old woman seated on a stool behind the payment console, reading Atlas Shrugged as smoke from the cigar[26] clamped between her teeth rose into her rheumy, unblinking eyes. She stared at him for a moment, and jerked her nicotine-stained thumb toward a door marked “Private.”
He stepped into the tiny, reeking bathroom, stood there for a moment, then turned, opened the door, and rushed back out, dragging a wave of stale stench behind him. As the foulness washed over him, the other customer blanched and pulled his shirt collar up over his nose, and Hubert told the old woman, “There’s no toilet paper. Also, I’d like a number 24.”
She scowled even more deeply, and handed him a fistful of napkins. He returned to the bathroom, where he closed and locked the door, laid the napkins on top of the toilet tank, and quietly knocked “shave and a haircut” on the back wall. From the other side, came the “two” knock, and he finished with the “bits.” Half of the wall panel behind the toilet folded back, revealing a man with a gun.
Hubert stepped through, and shook the man’s hand, “Phil, good to see you.”
“And you,” the man smiled, “you’re the last to arrive. I was starting to worry.”
“I just took a longer route this time.” Hubert went down a flight of steps, into a room with several people who all looked up at his entrance. An extremely large, young, black man in an Only The Best Chinese Takeout t-shirt stepped forward, nodded in welcome, took Hubert’s hooded jacket, squeezed into it, and started up the steps. “Don’t forget to flush,” Hubert called after him, then shook his head as he thought, It’s a good thing we all look alike to them.
The young man – Kwantrell – was a decoy. He would pose as Hubert for the camera upstairs and leave, then return with Hubert’s coat in a backpack. When Hubert left, he would wear Kwantrell’s OTBCT jacket, and his own coat in a delivery bag, leaving Kwantrell’s in a designated place.
A tall, fiercely handsome man with a movie-star smile shook Hubert’s hand. “Good to see you Hubie.” Tough, strong, picturesquely scarred and meaningfully tattooed, Ajax Steele was an honest-to-God hero, a man of action and the most-wanted resistance leader in America, and surrounded, as always by a crowd of starry-eyed young female admirers hanging on his every word. Hubert respected the man for his reputation, loathed him for his personality, and sometimes seriously questioned his mental capacity. Still, Hubert had to admit he’d been good for recruiting, bringing in as many male admirers as female to the cause. He was one of those guys that women wanted, and men wanted to be.
“Good to see you too, Ajax.”
“Let’s get down to business,” Ajax said to the crowd, and they all surrounded the table. “I hereby call this meeting of the AARP to order.” He pounded the table with the ancient six-shooter (reputed to have belonged to either Wild Bill Hickok, John Wayne, or General George Patton, depending on how much alcohol Ajax had imbibed before telling the story) that he used as a gavel, and grinned at Hubert. “Sorry Hubie, I know you hate it when I do that.”
“I just don’t think it’s safe.”
“Ah, you worry too much. Anyway, let’s get this show on the road. Hit it, Mr. Secretary.”
Hubert gritted his teeth as he returned Ajax’ smile. Just call me Hubert, you moron. “Okay, Clari, you’re up first.”
Clari, a stocky, middle-aged woman cleared her throat, and reported that her crews had tunneled into four of the six known GOON munitions storage facilities and were close to breaching the others. In the four already accessed, they were making slow, but sure, progress in sabotaging the ammunition. “If we can get more equipment, it’ll go a lot faster though.”
Ajax instructed Luis, their head of supply to get with Clari, find out what she needed, and do everything in his power to get it for her. “Alf?” he asked, turning to another man, “how’s it going on bypassing the internet filter servers[27]?”
That’s okay, you just run the meeting then.
Alf, a heavy-set, older man with food in his beard cleared his throat, stood up, and proceeded to give a lengthy report, very little of which was even remotely understood by anyone else present. As far as Hubert could tell, Alf and his techies were busy backward learning a CCIT blahblahblah, blah, blah blah choke packet and attempting to install a blah, blah, blahblahblah, blahblah, blah, black hole cluster controller in the resource blahblahblahblah in order to tweak and upload a blah, blah, and blahblah, blah blahblahblah, blah in the blahblah blah blahblahblah in order to subinterface an X1200 blahblahblahblah blahblahblah encoding into the blah of the blah and blah blah, or something to that effect.
When he sat down Ajax, Hubert, and the rest did their best to appear to consider his report. “Uhhhh,” Ajax said, “. . . and that’ll do it, you think?”
“Oh yeah, no doubt,” Alf said, “as long as the . . .,” and he was off and running again while Hubert’s and everyone else’s eyes glazed over. Eventually, Alf wound down.
“Okay then . . . that’s great . . . really great work Alf,” said Ajax. “Thanks for clearing that up for us.” Before Alf could erupt into another burst of tech-speak, Ajax asked, “Does anyone else have anything to report?”
Alf’s hand shot up.
No, no, no, don’t do it, keep moving, keep it moving.
“Pete, Michelle, how are the new recruits working out?” asked Ajax, clearly not noticing Alf’s hand, which waved like a fifth-grade teacher’s pet practicing semaphore.
Perhaps I’ve misjudged you, Ajax.
The meeting continued until all past and current business had been covered, and plans had been laid for their next steps. Like all staff meetings, it was long, boring, and not really worth recording, and long. Very long.
“Okay then, I think we’d better call it a night.” Ajax slammed his six-shooter down. There was a pop and a puff of smoke, one of Ajax’ groupies grunted, and everyone else ducked. “What the—“ Ajax said, looking at the gun, “—I could’ve sworn I unloaded . . .”
Hubert took the gun from him, while others examined the groupie who’d been hit. She was lucky—the powder was old, and the bullet didn’t have enough velocity to even break the skin.
“Are you happy now?” Hubert asked Ajax.
“Hell no, I’m not happy,” Ajax said, “that bullet was an antique too, part of the set. Do you know how much money I just lost?”
Hubert looked at him disbelievingly, or at least mostly disbelievingly.
“I mean, yeah, I’m happy that Julie—Jenny?—Ginny?—dammit, her—that she’s not hurt or whatever too, of course.”
Hubert was speechless.
Ajax wasn’t. “That’s why gun safety is so important people!” he announced to the room. “Think about what could have happened, and let that be a lesson to you all. These things are nothing to fool around with.”
After that, the assembly broke up, everyone leaving individually by various exits. Ajax waved Hubert over; “Hubie, I’ve been thinking. I still think we need a better name, one with some . . . uh . . . some oomph to it.”
“Oomph?”
“Yeah. I was thinking something like The Avengers, or The Guardians; it’s not fair—all these security groups have such cool names and our name sounds like somebody throwing up, you know what I mean? I mean, dammit Hubie, even our competition all have better names than us[28]”
This again? “Ajax, it’s just a name. It doesn’t matter what we’re called, it’s what we do that’s important.”
“Yeah, but still . . . I was hoping you’d be able to help out, you know, because of your job, you know?”
“I think we’ve got more important things to worry about, don’t you?” Hubert put on Kwantrell’s jacket, and handed the gun back to Ajax. “Listen, you think about it and we’ll talk about it next week, okay?” He started up the stairs.
“But that’s what you said last week!” Ajax called after him.
Hubert waved without turning around. It’s what I’m gonna say next week too, you jackass. Good God, it’s going to be a long revolution
[1] As previously noted, establishment politics were viewed very, very unfavorably at this point in time. In fact, Thump’s bloviating style, abrasive attitude, and monumental disregard for anything that didn’t have his name on it, worked in his favor. Voters seemed to think that he must be a political outsider, as he was simply too big an asshole to get anywhere within the system.
[2] Except, perhaps ironically, cosmetic surgery, certain recreational transplant procedures, erectile dysfunction medication, penis enlargement procedures, and cryogenics, all of which became prohibitively expensive for virtually all but the richest and most powerful.
[3] One campaign ad stated, “The Supreme Court said I’m a person: If I can buy a politician, why can’t I just be one?” The campaign was hailed as a return to truth and transparency in politics.
[4] The first successful national campaign for peace occurred at this point, when the remaining states unanimously refused to go to war to force Texas to rejoin the Union. The day the secession was announced, The New York Times headline was, “Finally Some Good News!”
[5] Same as the old CSA, with the addition of Kentucky and W. Virginia.
[6] Essentially everything from Texas to Canada, and from the Rockies to the Mississisippi River
[7] The northwest, from what was left of California, to the Rocky Mountains.
[10] Somehow, the irony-challenged leaders of these organizations never considered the inevitable acronymization of their collective names, until it was enshrined in the national consciousness.
[11] Formerly New York City. Now the capitol of the United States of America™
[12] “ACRONIM” had been formed not long after the accidental acronym DICKHEADs became part of the public consciousness, largely to prevent similar embarrassments in the future.
[13] Except, of course, for his GOON, who made sure he didn’t slack off on his work, and made sure he got through security every day.
[14] Although it is possible, maybe even likely that they knew: It is entirely possible that Hubert’s advancement was the result of a little known government program known as Affirmative Action, a program aimed at proving that equal opportunities were available to all, by ensuring that a token number of (mostly lower-level) government positions were filled by minorities, as a way of “proving” that racism in America™ was a thing of the past. It is also possible that they were simply unable to find a white candidate willing to spend all his time with his nose in books, thinking about words.
[16] Frequently changing the names of agencies and offices, under the guise of rooting out corruption, along with “appointing special investigative task forces” and other false flag operations generally removed the need for any further changes.
[17] Give the guy a break. The only thing more boring than making acronyms all day, is watching someone make acronyms all day.
[18][18] CEOPIPOTUSGAME #23 (They started the count over with Viscount Thump).
[19] Being a black, low-level executive in America™ was a dangerous and complex life.
[20] Wealthy Choice: made from only the freshest meals left over by the very best people. You may not be rich and famous, but now you can eat like them at affordable prices. Now beggars CAN be choosers—eat like a winner, not like a loser; eat Wealthy Choice. From Thump Foods.
[21] a line of affordable meat-adjacent food products from Thump Laboratories’ Digestibles Division. BIEF was one acronym Hubert tried very hard not to think too much about.
[23]Mein Kampf ranks high on the list of Approved Reading Material, right between the collected works of Ronald Thump, and Ayn Rand’s works,
[24] While clearly, the disguised books would have been considered incriminating, there was no safer place in Thumperica to hide something than a book, which were largely just considered knickknacks for those with delusions of intellect.
[25] It is widely (correctly) suspected that all TrumpTronix products have GPS tracking devices installed.
[26] One of the major accomplishments of President ThumpCorp’s first term was the repeal of virtually all health and food safety regulations.
[27] While the internet was still operational, all internet lines coming from outside America™ ran through filter servers that screened out all undesirable information, and all American servers were strictly partitioned; the average citizen could still access social media, pornography, games, and entertainment, but most educational and defense-related information was blocked.
[28] From the “Some things never change” file: Liberals have historically always had trouble working together. Consequently, there are, at last count, 263 recognized resistance movements in the U.S.A.™, all of whom hate each other only slightly less passionately than they hate the current regime. Even the fact that many, possibly even most, individuals of the resistance are members of multiple resistance groups, and the fact that the biggest difference between most of the groups is the wording of their charters. Ajax is right about one thing, however: almost all the other groups have much cooler names than the AARP.
“Words can be like X-rays, if you use them properly–they’ll go through anything.” Aldous Huxley, Brave New World.
I’m a writer (or at least I flatter myself that I am), so words are kind of my thing. Every once in a while, I’ll run across something that seriously changes my outlook, or how I think, or even my world. A few days ago, I was reading Huxley’s Brave New World, and I came across the line that starts this post. I read that, and my brain just kind of melted.
Over the years, I’ve had thoughts similar to that, but Huxley actually articulated what I’ve always thought, far better than I ever did, and actually put my ambition into words: I want to write X-rays. I want to write words in a way that cuts through to the heart of the matter, whatever the matter happens to be. Words that illuminate the hidden problems and that help to solve them. Words that make people think. Words that make people think, “That’s what I’ve been thinking!” Words that make people think, “Why didn’t I think of that?”
Ever since I was a kid, certain phrases or sayings have stuck with me that either changed my life or formed the way I thought. Phrases like “I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it,” which I always thought was said by Patrick Henry, but was apparently originally written by Evelyn Beatrice Hall in her book The Friends of Voltaire, published in 1906. That saying, to my young mind, represented the entire idea of Free Speech, and much of what it meant to be an American. I remember a time when Americans were proud to quote that phrase.
Patrick Henry’s famous “Give me liberty, or give me death!” is another phrase that formed the way I saw the world. To this day, I resent anything I see as an intrusion of my liberty. Of course, I’ve come to understand that there is no such thing as absolute liberty. In any society, there are necessarily going to be limits to what members of that society are at liberty to do. I think the closest we can get to absolute liberty is a society where every member is actually treated equally, regardless of sex, race, religion, or financial status.
It’s funny how so much of my identity as a person is tied to my identity as an American. I really believe the words “All men are created equal” but it troubles me that, as a country, we still have trouble accepting it. I don’t think that any objective observer looking at our country would really believe that it is, or ever has been, a central tenet of our national consciousness. That bothers me, both as a person, and as an American. In our defense, I will say that we are closer than we were at the beginning, and I do think that we’re continually making progress in that direction, but clearly, we’ve got a long way to go.
Perhaps all the kerfuffle over Columbus Day has brought another phrase that has haunted me, and informed how I see the world, to the forefront of my mind. I first read The Lord of the Rings when I was 10 or 11 years old. In his forward to The Lord of the Rings, Peter S. Beagle wrote, “We are raised to honor all the wrong explorers and discoverers–thieves planting flags, murderers carrying crosses.”
Even though I was too young to understand what he meant, I knew that what he was saying was important, and more importantly, right. As I got older and began to study history, and especially as I began to study history outside of history class, I came to see how right he was. Columbus’ “discovery” of America began centuries of genocide and exploitation so vile that it makes the Nazis look like pikers. Much of it was carried out under the guise of Christian Evangelism and Manifest Destiny, and, in a thousand little ways, in a thousand little places out of the way enough that we don’t notice, it continues to this day, but under the guise of economic pragmatism.
Don’t believe me? Just go to Pine Ridge Indian Reservation in S. Dakota, or the Navajo or Apache reservations in Arizona, or the inner city of, well, pretty much any city in America, or the coal country of Appalachia, or the factory towns of the rust belt. The machine doesn’t care about your race, or your color; it just cares about being fed and moving on.
Another saying that really puzzled me as a kid was “Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.” Samuel Johnson said that back in 1775. As a kid in love with the America I learned about in school and by watching John Wayne defeat not only the Indians, but the Japanese, and thrilling to the hyper-patriotic fervor of the Bicentennial, it just didn’t make sense. It didn’t make sense, but it just wouldn’t let me go, either. Once again, as I grew, and studied, I came to see what he meant, and to realize that he was right. Or almost right. Patriotism isn’t the “last refuge” any more (if it ever was).
It isn’t the scoundrel’s Alamo, where they make their last stand; these days it’s their launching pad, from which the flag-pin wearing bastards use the flag-draped caskets of dead soldiers to justify stripping away our rights, to brand those who protest injustice as unAmerican, to present themselves as the only ones who can save us from all of the “evils” that they have worked so hard to make us afraid of.
I want to write words like that. Words and phrases that cut through the constant 24-7 barrage of bullshit that we’re all dealing with. Of course, if you’ve read to this point, you’re probably thinking, “Well, you’re not there yet,” and you’re right, my writing (and my thinking) is still a work in progress. Hopefully though, I’m getting there. Hopefully, at this point, I’m at least making you think.
You (yes, you) should only read the following post if you are actually interested is finding out what I think about LGBT&Q rights and Marriage Equality. I’m going to warn you right off the bat – this is probably not going to be very funny (of course, on the other hand, it may be; I’m a pretty funny guy). If you’re just looking for a laugh, or you don’t care what I think, then just move right along. It’s okay, I won’t be hurt.
Why I’m Writing This:
More and more, lately, I find myself being questioned about why I believe many of the things I do. Frequently, it is by people who are already convinced that I’ve gone completely off the rails, and are less interested in what I think, and why, than they are in seeing how far away from the tracks they think I should be on I’ve gotten (these people, of course, generally believe I should be on the same tracks as them).
I’m not writing this for them because frankly, I think that they’re mostly just looking for a fight, not a discussion. I’m writing this for the others, those few friends I have who, although they may believe I’m wrong, still have enough respect for me to genuinely want to know why I believe all the crazy stuff that I believe, and those who don’t actually know me, but may want to know what I think.
I’m also not writing this to try to convince, or convert, anybody to my way of thinking. I’m just putting it out there in hopes that it will make people think. This will be the first of a series in which I address some of the common sources of division in our society, in hopes of, not only making you think, but of clearly and rationally stating my own position on these issues (sometimes it’s hard to make a case for something on the fly; that kind of conversation usually devolves into issues of “feelings”, without the availability of sources to back up a position or line of reasoning).
I figured I’d start with a fairly easy one; LGBT&Q Rights and Marriage Equality (gay marriage); not that it’s particularly easy, but it (to me anyway) is a little less emotionally charged.
To start with, I’m in favor of not only LGBT&Q rights (and for the sake of expediency, from here on out I’m just gonna call ’em gay rights, which I freely acknowledge is probably insensitive and politically incorrect, but I’m a lazy typist, and it’s my blog. I apologize for any hurt feelings this may cause), I’m in favor of equal rights for all. I believe in liberty.
For Reasons of Liberty:
Now, there are a lot of people, much smarter than I, who have done a lot of thinking about this stuff. Sadly, a lot of them (at least the ones I know of) are also a lot deader than I am, so I’ll just take this opportunity to share some of their thoughts with you:
John Stuart Mill, in On Liberty, said this (among other liberty-related stuff):
“the sole end for which mankind are warranted, individually or collectively in interfering with the liberty of action of any of their number, is self-protection. That the only purpose for which power can be rightfully exercised over any member of a civilized community, against his will, is to prevent harm to others . . . Over himself, over his own body and mind, the individual is sovereign.”
In other words, no harm, no foul – if it doesn’t hurt anybody else, it’s none of your business. Mill goes on to state expressly that this applies only to people, “in the maturity of their faculties,” i.e. adults who are capable of taking care of themselves. (it is a great book, full of a lot of pretty important thoughts on liberty, and what it means. I highly recommend it. You can probably find it online for free).
The preamble to the U.S. Constitution states:
“We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.”
The parts about establishing justice, securing the blessings of Liberty, and providing for the common defense can be applied directly to this issue.
Justice
Being LGBT or Q is not illegal. It follows then, that in the interests of justice, they are entitled to the same civil rights as I am. Instead, states and the federal government are introducing more and more legislation designed to specifically allow discrimination against them, mostly under the guise of protecting my religious freedom which frankly, needs no defense. The Constitution is all the protection I need.
Honestly, I really feel that if your relationship with God is so tenuous that it can be irreparably harmed by baking a wedding cake or arranging some flowers for two dudes’ wedding, then you’ve probably got bigger issues that you should be working on.
Here are a couple of articles for your consideration: Washington Post and LA Times. I want to point out that the LA Times piece is from the Opinion section, and should be considered as opinion, not fact, but it is still worthy of consideration.
Liberty
It seems to me that to encroach on any citizen’s or demographic’s liberties opens the door to encroaching on the liberty of all. After all, if we can deny rights and protection to LGBT&Q folks, then that just creates a road map for how to deny them to my group or yours should they ever become unpopular.
Defence
I believe that to deny gay folks (or anyone else, for that matter) their liberty harms not only them, but our country. A few years back, when they made it legal for gay folks to serve in the military, there were a lot of people who were convinced that it would destroy our war-fighting ability. Clearly, it hasn’t. Back in my day, of course, it was illegal for gay people to serve, and then we were subjected to the namby-pamby hypocrisy of Bill Clinton’s “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, which basically said that gays could serve, as long as nobody knew they were gay.
The reasoning behind all that was that they were a security risk; if enemy agents found someone gay in the military, they could use that information to blackmail the gay service member into betraying classified information, or other treasonous acts. Not until 2010 did we face the fact that, if we removed the ban, we also removed the possibility of our enemies using that as leverage. By removing that ban, we actually made our country safer.
Of course, I can already hear the cries of “think of the children! We’ve got to protect the children!” I agree, we need to protect children; just not from gay folks. We need to protect them from pedophiles – there’s a difference, and here’s a link to a very informative paper on the subject: Facts About Homosexuality and Child Molestation. In case you didn’t take the time to read it, it basically cites a whole lot of studies which found no link between homosexuality and molesting children. The overwhelming majority of child molesters are just that – child molesters, with no sexual interest in adults of either sex.
For Reasons of Humanity:
To deny gay folks equal rights is to deny them their humanity; it tells them that they are less than fully human. Think about the damage that does to a person. To be told that your life is worth less than others, every day, in hundreds, if not thousands, of ways, both direct and indirect. That’s what happens every time a gay person’s partner is denied access to their hospital room because they’re “not family.” When they are rejected by society, by their own family. when they’re openly mocked, and all too frequently humiliated, beaten, and even killed. In fact, gay folks are way more likely to be the victims of hate crimes. Here’s a very informative NY Times article with links to FBI and Justice Departments stats and reports.
When they’re denied the right to marry, they are denied the same rights as straight folks, which seems even more ridiculous in these days of disposable marriages.
I had a good friend, who disagrees with me on a lot of these issues, ask me, “Why do they have to call it marriage?” The answer is simple; for the same reason that “Separate but Equal” didn’t work out for black folks.
I’ve never understood the idea that the existence of gay marriage somehow invalidates my own; the only people who can invalidate my marriage are me, and my wife, the long-suffering and wonderfully forgiving Jess. Two dudes or two chicks being married has no more effect on my marriage than two Muslims, or two Hindus, or two Catholics, or two Atheists, for that matter.
That same friend, who is a much better Christian, and human being, than me, brought up the biblical “marriage is between one man and one woman” argument. I countered that marriage in the bible often is one man and one woman, but it is also one man and two women (Jacob, Leah, & Rachel), one man and many women (Solomon), and apparently allowances were made for one man and one woman + one didn’t-have-any-choice-in-the-matter slave girl (Abraham, Sarah, and Hagar), just to name a few popular biblical variations on marriage. For that matter, were Adam and Eve even technically married?
I also don’t buy that whole “pastors will be forced to perform gay marriages against their will!” argument. Neither does Travis Weber, Director of the Center for Religious Liberty, a part of the Family Research Council, as conservative a bunch as you’re likely to find. He explains it much better than I could in this article, going into a lot of detail on the Constitutional protections for the clergy. He does, of course, only say that it’s not likely, and that it will probably be challenged in the courts, but what isn’t?
For Reasons of Religion:
I am a Christian. Now I know that there’s a lot of stuff in there that pretty clearly says don’t do gay stuff (at least as far as men are concerned. Oddly enough, women seem to have received a pass on this, perhaps to make up for all the other stuff they weren’t allowed to do), especially in Leviticus. However, there’s a lot of stuff in Leviticus that we no longer worry about. Things like: eating shellfish (Lev. 11:10-12), eating pork (Lev. 11:7,8), eating rabbit (Lev. 11:6), a whole chapter on female purification after childbirth (Lev. 12), and mistreating aliens (Lev. 19:33, 34) (of course, that’s a whole other post – bet you can’t wait), and a whole bunch of other stuff.
Now, I’m not being facetious (at least not too facetious), and I don’t want to turn this into a whole religious argument. Anyone who’s read any of my stuff can tell you that I’m not much of a theologian.
What I think, as a Christian, is that it is our duty to spread the word to everyone that God loves them, and spread the good news of his Grace and forgiveness. Jesus said that the greatest commandment was to love God, and that the second greatest was to love one another. I’m pretty sure he meant that to be pretty much all-inclusive.
As far as is it possible for gay folks to be Christian, I believe it is. I know that in my little country church, there is gluttony, gossip, trouble-making, foul-mouthed taking-of-the-Lord’s-name-in-vain, pridefulness, lack of forgiveness, pettiness, anger, sloth, smoking, and drinking, pretty much the whole gamut of sin, and that’s just me. If the body is supposed to be a temple, then mine is the temple of doom. That’s why I’m there; I need Jesus. They might too, and, if I behave toward them, or treat them, in a way that pushes them farther from Jesus, then I’m gonna have to answer for that, and I’ve already got enough to answer for.
Anyway, that’s what I think, and I also think I’ve beaten this dead horse enough for now. I welcome your opinions and comments on this, even if you don’t agree with me. Like I said, I don’t expect you to.
I am currently writing a book, set 200 years in the future, after the near-total splintering of society following the election of a narcissistic, childish, manipulative con man/businessman to the American Presidency. The story takes place in two bordering countries: the remains of the U.S.A., and Bernietopia, i.e. the northeastern part of the U.S. It’s a lot of fun to write, and pretty funny too.
Now, the parts that take place in the U.S.A. are really pretty easy to write – I’m basically just laying down the worst-case scenario, based on the direction the country seems to be going (to me, anyway, and it’s my book, so there). The Bernietopia parts, which were the first parts I wrote, as a semester project in a class on American Utopian Literature, are proving much more difficult: see, in these parts, I’m trying to actually articulate a theory, or philosophy, of government which is not only true to the American Dream and the fundamental American Spirit that I still believe in, and faithful to the intent and spirit of the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution of the United States, but also incorporating other sound principles of society and justice (many of which also influenced the thinking and philosophy of our own founding fathers).
So I’m doing a lot of reading on political philosophy, which brings me to the point of this post: the problem with education is that it never ends. It can stop, but it can never really end. No matter how much you read, there is always something more to be learned, on any given subject. Take the research I’ve been doing for this book. It started out as a school project, so I started with the material we’d studied in class: Nathaniel Hawthorne and Laura Ingalls Wilder, among others. Then I moved on to Thomas Carlyle, whom I was introduced to in a class on Victorian Literature. I was surprised to discover that Carlyle, although he seems to have been a pretty staunch capitalist and industrialist, had some very important insights and thoughts that really influenced my thinking.
Warning: The following paragraph is basically just a list of stuff Moon has read lately – feel free to skip ahead if you’d like – sincerely, Moon’s Conscience:
Then, I moved on to Thomas Paine, and his pamphlets The Rights of Man, The Age Of Reason, and Common Sense (a lot of good, thought-provoking stuff there), as well as The Autobiography of Thomas Jefferson (oddly enough, not a lot of help), and Patrick Henry’s Give Me Liberty or Give Me Death speech, as well as The Communist Manifesto by Karl Marx and Frederich Engels (I’ve gotta admit, I was a little leery of ordering that one – don’t want to end up on a list – but figured I really oughta read it and see what all the fuss is about), and The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood. And you know what I discovered after reading all that stuff? That there was a whole lot more to read.
Warning 2: the following 2 paragraphs are just more of the same – still sincerely, Moon’s Conscience:
I’ve added Ben Franklin’s Autobiography and Other Writings, The John Locke Collection, John Jay’s The Federalist Papers, The Revolutionary Writings of John Adams, more stuff by Patrick Henry, and Thoreau’s Civil Disobedience and Other Essays to my library, and still have to order The Complete Works of Jeremy Bentham, as well as the works of John Stuart Mill, Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World, and George Orwell’s 1984, and Animal Farm (and those are just the ones I know of right now).
I also have to get back into Plato, Aristotle, Socrates, G.K. Chesterton, and the Bible. First, of course, I have to make it through The Social Contract by Jean-Jacques Rousseau.
Okay, I think he’s finished now – You’re welcome – Moon’s Conscience
I hope you understand that I’m not listing all these books and writers to make you think I’m smart or anything: one of the things I learned in college is that education won’t make you smarter (and any of you who actually know me, will know that I am living proof of that). However, I do believe that education can make you better – if you let it; if you’re willing to follow where it leads you, and you’re willing to keep an open mind, and actually think about what you’re learning.
No, the point of listing all this stuff is to illustrate (again) the point of this essay: that the problem with education is that it never ends.
I am also not just talking about formal education: for the first 48 years of my life, I was largely self-educated (no offense to my grade- and high-school teachers, it’s not your fault, it’s all mine), and many of the smartest and wisest people I know are also self-educated, and they, like me, continue to further their own education completely on their own. But I think that they would agree with me that education, whether formal or self-directed, not only never ends, but that it’s exhausting.
There’s just so much to learn – about everything, and we’ve all only got so much time. We’ve all got things to do: work, play, raise the kids, chase the wife (or husband) around the house (preferably in an amorous way), watch a little TV, keep up with the news, waste time on the Facebook, etc. It can be hard to make time for learning, but deep down, we need it, and you know what?
It’s worth it.
The stuff I’m reading right now is not easy to read. Those old dudes had a labyrinthine way with words. I frequently find myself having to go back and re-read something because by the time I get to the end of a sentence, I’ve forgotten what he’s talking about (sometimes I have to re-read 2 or 3 times – see what I mean about college not making you smarter?), but it’s worth it, because you frequently come across gems like this:
“by equality, we should understand, not that the degrees of power and riches are to be absolutely identical for everybody; but that power shall never be great enough for violence, and shall always be exercised by virtue of rank and law; and that, in respect of riches, no citizen shall ever be wealthy enough to buy another, and none poor enough to be forced to sell himself:¹ which implies, on the part of the great, moderation in goods and position, and, on the side of the common sort, moderation in avarice and covetousness.”
¹If the object is to give the state consistency, bring the two extremes as near to each other as possible; allow neither rich men nor beggars. These two estates, which are naturally inseparable; are equally fatal to the common good; from the one come the friends of tyranny, and from the other tyrants. It is always between them that public liberty is put up to auction; the one buys, and the other sells.
I think we have a tendency to think that the problems that plague our society and world currently are somehow new, or that they are something someone has made up to cause trouble, or that, (if we are smart enough to realize that some ((most)) of our problems are at least centuries old) since something (like wealth inequality) is still a problem, then there just clearly isn’t anything we can do about it, at least as a society. Then you read something like that, and have to realize that yes, it’s been a problem for centuries, and that perhaps the reason it still is, is that no society has ever really even tried to fix it, at least not seriously.
Warning: Look out, he’s starting to philosophize – don’t say you weren’t warned – Moon’s Conscience:
When it comes to things like that, a lot of folks like to fall back on the old, “well, you can’t legislate morality” argument. The thing is though, we can, and do, legislate morality all the time. That is largely the purpose of laws: to make immoral things illegal so that 1) people won’t do ’em, and 2) so that the ones that do can be punished. Killing is immoral. Stealing is immoral. Perjury is immoral.
Now I’ll grant you that there is a difference between religious morality and societal morality. That’s why only three of the Ten Commandments are actually reflected in our laws (except in some southern states of course). The founding fathers were wise enough to realize it was best to stick to legislating against things that could be proven and, if truth be told, ignoring those commandments which they themselves had a proclivity for breaking (I’m looking at you, Thomas Jefferson and Ben Franklin).
But I digress: the point is that we often insist on legislating morality – hence the pro-life movement.
Okay, it should be safe now – Moon’s Conscience
Which brings me to another problem with education: it has no limits, no boundaries. You never know where it’s going to take you.
Nope, sorry – Moon’s Conscience
Studying one thing can suddenly branch out into something completely different. The hardest part of The Social Contract for me to understand was a bit in which Rousseau suddenly started using math to prove his point: I am not a math guy. I just don’t get it. When I look at math, or even just numbers, really, my brain glazes over, and I just go into a kind of trance (and not the cool kind where your spirit animal pops up and takes you to hang out with Jim Morrison, but the other kind, where you suddenly snap out of it and you have no idea what just happened, but you’re not happy, and Donald Trump is suddenly President). Math is hard.
Or you’re studying literature, and all of a sudden, you’re reading non-fiction about the industrial revolution, and the rise of the labor movement.
Or you’re studying military history, and suddenly discover that if the economy hadn’t taken a giant dump on itself in 1873, then Custer might have died of old age, and the history of our relations with Native Peoples might have been very different over the last 150 years (okay, probably not, but an intriguing possibility).
The point of this is simply that everything is related: nothing exists in a vacuum, it’s all intertwined; Literature, Philosophy, Science, Math, the past, the present, the future, morality, religion, truth, lies, good, evil, war, peace, terror, joy, everything you can imagine, all twisted and tied together like some sort of extremely complex DNA of Life, and every new thing you learn unravels just a little bit more of it, and you gradually see, and kind of understand it all just a tiny bit more. It’s fascinating, and scary, and frequently annoying, all at the same time.
Finally, what may actually be the biggest actual problem with education: There is often an uncontrollable urge to share what you’ve learned. No matter how you resist, there’s just some part of you that says, “Hey, I should tell this to EVERYBODY!!!!!” regardless of whether EVERYBODY!!!!! cares, or is even curious or not (chances are they’re not). The next thing you know, you’re trying to think of gimmicks to make reading what you have to say at least somewhat palatable.
Screw you fat boy – Moon’s Conscience
See what I mean?
Which leads me to the last big problem with education (okay, not really, but transitions are hard): Education, as unending, confusing, and unlimited as it is, is important. Really, really, really important. Too important to be used as a pawn in the endless political gamesmanship that our government seems to prefer over actually governing.
