I must say “Farewell” to you good people, for this morning, I committed the cardinal sin against my wife, the no longer long-suffering and understanding Jess. As a result, I have absolutely no confidence in my chances for surviving the day. I thought I’d take this opportunity to say goodbye while she is distracted by my granddaughter because, from the looks she’s been giving me for the last couple of hours, it will only take 1 more stupid mistake to push her completely over the edge. Those of you who know me will understand that the odds of my going even 2 or 3 hours without doing something stupid are virtually non-existent. Those of you who don’t know me will understand, after reading this. So, just in case she smothers me with a pillow in my sleep tonight, goodbye.

I wish to say that I in no way blame her. She has been the best of wives, loving, patient, and kind up to now, and God knows, it can’t have been easy for her. I also want to say that my mistake was a mistake of omission, not intention. Perhaps I should explain. We’re having a special event at church next weekend, and I volunteered her (strike 1) to contact people about it. Jess, while a charming and personable woman, is possibly the only person on earth who hates talking on the phone more than I do. However, she soldiered on uncomplaining, making calls, and leaving messages when necessary. Then we realized that there were several people who’s numbers had changed, or were not in our church directory, which is several years out of date. We (I) then decided that the best way to contact them would be through the Facebook (DUN DUN DUNNNNN. strike 2.) This morning I thought I’d help her out, since she never uses the Facebook. I went through the Friends list, and set up the messaging thing so that all she’d have to do was type in her message and send it. I got her going on it, and then went to take care of some personal business. Mere seconds after I’d set down to business, I heard her yell for me. Then my granddaughter took up the call. Now, those of you who know me will know that I was in no position (literally) to jump up and run immediately to her assistance, but as soon as I heard her yell, I realized that she had hit “enter” at the end of her first line (strike 3). As soon as I could, I went to see what was wrong and discovered that I was right, she had hit “enter”, and sent the message “Hi Guys” to 27 people. She was not happy. I explained to her what happened, that hitting “enter” sends the message, and then apologized for forgetting to tell her that beforehand. Then I told her to just go ahead and type her message and hit “enter”. Now, what I heard her say was, “I’ve already typed it, but was afraid to touch anything because I didn’t want to screw it up again.” Trying to be helpful, I said, “Oh, Okay,” and hit “enter” (strike 4). You would have thought I’d hit the nuclear launch button in the White House. She just exploded. Apparently what she had said was, “I’ve already started typing it…,” a small, but key difference. It took me a while to figure out just what I’d done, since I couldn’t really understand anything she was saying as she stormed out of the den and through the house, roaring. The effect was added to when my granddaughter chimed in on her side, since I can rarely understand anything that kid says anyway. However, when Jess is upset, having Little Sharon around is like having our own tiny, incomprehensible Greek chorus. It’s kind of funny, but only adds to the confusion.

Eventually, she calmed down enough to speak coherently, and explained that, thanks to me, now she looked stupid to those 27 people, and that she didn’t appreciate it at all. Unfortunately, lulled by her normal good nature, I thought she was kidding, and laughed (strike 5). Big mistake, perhaps my biggest of the day. It set her off on an entirely new tirade, as incomprehensible as the previous one. After she had calmed down (again), I told her not to worry about it, that it happened to me all the time. This did not serve to make her feel any better. She pointed out to me (again) that she didn’t appreciate being made to look stupid, that’s what she’s got me around for. I mounted a counter-attack, based on her inference that I’m supposed to look stupid so that she doesn’t have to, but my heart wasn’t really in it, due to the unassailable logic of her position. I am obviously much better at stupid than she is, so I didn’t push it. She, of course, was not amused by my pretended ire (strike 6).

I told her not to worry about it, that I’d take care of it when I got home from class, and she agreed vehemently that that would be best. When I got home however, she, being the dutiful and persistent woman that she is, had done it herself. Schmuck that I am, I noticed a mistake in the times she had listed, and, after I had corrected it, told her about it (strike 7. Some people just never learn), reigniting the flame of her displeasure (it burns rarely, but when it does, it burns hot). At this point, it was not looking good for the home team, so I decided to go ahead and say goodbye to you good people, in case I never have a another chance, so again, Goodbye. Of course, when I started to write this, I had told her that I was going to work on a paper for school. She came in to ask me about something, and saw what I was really doing. Again, she was not amused. I tried to assuage her anger by telling her that, as far as anyone knows, I’m the idiot, since the Facebook message is in my name and nowhere did she identify herself. I really thought that would do it, right up to the point where she pointed out that they would only think that until I posted this (strike 8). So now I’m doomed, hoist by my own petard, because of my loyalty and obligation to your entertainment and edification. Mom always said I was my own worst enemy, and she was right, at least up to now. I hope you’re happy. If you don’t see me again, think kindly of me for, after all, this is really all your fault.