Okay, I can’t believe I’m saying this. I’m afraid that Ted Cruz, Sean Hannity, Bill O’Reilly, Alan West and others, whose right-wing whose grandstanding histrionics I’ve only paid attention to as a source of annoyance and/or amusement, may be right.

Lately I’ve been reading about all this Sharia Law being secretly imposed on us, and Jade Helm, Obama’s secret plan to impose martial law on Texas, using U.N. forces to crush the Lone Star State under his mighty heel, and, to be honest, I thought it was kind of ridiculous. I just really felt that all that stuff was just nonsense being spewed out to scare people and distract their attention from the real problems we have in this country. In fact, the other day, I had started work on a blog post that would have been a well-reasoned but scathing repudiation of it all as far-right fear-mongering.

After all, it all just seems so silly when you really look at it. Allen West was making a big deal about how a Wal-Mart clerk couldn’t sell him booze due to Sharia Law because he (the clerk) was Muslim , but I thought, well, isn’t that the reason for all these religious freedom laws that are getting passed? Besides, it turned out that it wasn’t Sharia Law, it was good old American law; the clerk (who’s name was not Steve, as West pointedly pointed out) was actually just not old enough to sell booze, so score one for the good guys! You can read it for yourself here (granted, you do have to kind of look for the bit about the real reason).

And Jade Helm. People in Texas, and across the country, are freaking out about that. Now I can see how someone who’s never been around the military could find the presence of all those foreign military personnel a little unsettling, but as an Air Force retiree, I have a hard time getting too worked up about it. My last squadron was the Aggressor Squadron at Nellis AFB. We (well, the pilots, not me personally. I was a lowly support troop.) were the bad guys in all of the Red Flag exercises, flying Russian-Bloc tactics so that both American pilots and those of allied nations (that means foreigners) would be prepared. During a Red Flag exercise, Nellis was crawling with foreigners, and yes, some of them even went shopping when off duty. But now people are posting pictures and “news” articles on the Facebook about Turkish pilots in Wal-Mart, and military vehicles on the roads in Texas. The Governor of Texas has called for the Texas National Guard to monitor the exercise to keep the potentially invading forces, both foreign and domestic (because there’s going to be a whole lot of American military personnel involved), from imposing martial law and putting the great state of Texas under the iron thumb of the U.N. and its minion (or evil mastermind, I can never get that part straight), Barack Obama.

Now, on the face of it, it just seems patently stupid to think that. I mean first of all, Barack Obama as an evil, conquering dictator? Come on, the guy wears mom jeans, not a Nehru jacket (the official jacket of evil geniuses from Dr. No to Dr. Evil; unless, of course, it’s just an evil doctor thing. See, he’s not even well-educated enough to pull this off.) Plus, apparently, according to the Interweb, they’re using those mysteriously-closed Wal-Marts as staging grounds (because, if there’s anything Wal-Mart is serious about, it’s the destruction of the exploitative capitalist system).

-Side note: is it just me or do you find it kind of weird how Wal-Mart has suddenly apparently become central to all these things? Something to think about. Or not.

Also, it seems that Texas would be a poor choice to try this sort of thing out. It is home to arguably the best-armed and, well, let’s just call it “excitable” population in the country, and it seems that a large portion of the rest of the country’s gun-toting population is ready and waiting to rush to the aid of Texans (it seems that a lot of people who have never served in the military, and never been closer to combat than a video game or Bruce Willis movie are really anxious to get some foreigners in their sights). One would think that, for an inaugural, partial invasion of the country, they’d want to try it out on Massachusetts or one of those other soft, already socialist-leaning eastern states. You know, kind of work up to a Texas-sized invasion.

Besides, Texas is surrounded on three sides by other states, with Mexico on the fourth. What if it doesn’t work? They’ll have nowhere to go but Mexico, and you know how Americans feel about Mexico. It’s a great place to visit, or relocate your factory to, but we wouldn’t want to live there.

Finally, there’s the fact that the U.N. wants to take over Texas. Seriously. Texas. A state so obnoxious that the rest of the country can barely bring ourselves to claim it. Why would the U.N. want it? Every other nation on earth has enough problems of their own. That would be like the Kardashians adopting Miley Cyrus. Sure it’d be fun to watch, but it’s a ridiculous premise.

Or so I thought, until today. I was taking a break from cleaning up the house, and decided to pour myself a nice, refreshing beverage. I was really looking forward to it, until I glanced at the bottle and saw this:

That’s right read it and weep, America. Our days are numbered. If they can impose Sharia law on our soft drinks, how long can it be before they conquer our snack crackers? Our sugary snacks? Our, God forbid, potato chips? This is even more insidious than the conquest of Texas. At least, with an invasion, you can fight back. But this. This shocking plan to make us all Muslims through our food makes us the enemy of ourselves! Face it, how long can we realistically be expected to resist the siren call of carbonated chemically-enhanced refreshment? The salty and/or sweet enticement of our beloved junk food? We’re doomed. DOOMED, I tells ya! And, not only is it depressing that they’ve taken over one of  our most beloved beverages, it also serves as an indictment of our education system. They didn’t even spell Sharia right!

I mean, it’s either that, or I just misread the label, and those conservative protectors of the American Way really are just a bunch of Jack-holes fomenting fear and paranoia for fun and profit. What are the odds?

Of course, on the up side, at least if we fall under the sway of Sharia law, at least we won’t have to worry about having to bake any more gay wedding cakes or having our marriage licenses invalidated by gay marriage. That’s surely one aspect of Sharia law that those guys can get behind.