Sometimes I think we’d be happier if we could (or would) make some serious changes to the bible (or, preferably find someone else to make the necessary changes. Why should we take the wrap if it’s a bad idea?). Some of the changes are obviously no-brainers, like adding “God helps those who help themselves.” I mean, how did that get left out in the first place. I think it’s obviously an editorial error. What kind of God would want to help the helpless? It’s just un-American. George Bernard Shaw once said something along the lines of, “The average Englishman thinks God is an Englishman.” Well, the average Englishman is wrong. God is not English. The English had to imperialize most of the known world just to get something decent to eat. Then, when the rest of the world got around to kicking them out, the English brought all those foreigners home with them, put them on the dole, and gave them health care. Doesn’t sound God-like to me. God is obviously American, and very likely a Southerner (after all, they seem to be about the only ones who REALLY believe anymore.) Just look at the evidence: 1.Try to find a real American (and I mean a REAL American, not one of them commie, sissy liberals) who doesn’t know (not just believe, but know) that Americans are God’s chosen people. 2. We don’t drag all manner of foreigners in here to corrupt our values, take all our good-paying fruit-picking jobs, and overload our welfare system. Hell no! We do everything we can to keep ’em out of here, up to and including building walls hundreds of miles long. And, 3. We’re the best cooks. We really know how to take God’s bounty and make the most of it. Just look around you. How many skinny Americans do you see? Not many, and those that are have to work like maniacs to stay that way. Look at all the poor schmucks out there running, biking, Tai-Boing, Pilates-izing, etc., trying to resist the American way and God’s blessings. It’s really kind of pathetic. Remember, “Whoever tries to save their life will lose it…” It’s right there in the Bible.

Now granted, a lot of the things that make us God’s Chosen People originated in other places, but we improved on them. Everything becomes better once we’ve made it our own. We may get our inspiration from foreigners, but we take care to bring home the ideas and leave the foreigners at home. The Chinese took hundreds of years to build their wall, we should have ours finished in less than a decade or two. The Italians invented pizza, but have you ever had pizza in Italy? It doesn’t even deserve the name pizza. It’s nowhere near the same class as our American pizza, be it Chicago-style or New York, or frozen in a box at the grocery. Look at plumbing. The Romans may have invented it, but have you ever tried the plumbing anywhere else? At it’s best, it’s complicated and confusing, at it’s worst it’s primitive and downright scary. These are just three examples of our superiority. I’m sure any real American could think of dozens more.

But I digress. What I’m getting at is this. We’re innovators. We’re not satisfied to take something as it is. We have a God-given compulsion to improve things. It’s what we’re here for. That’s why I think it’s up to us (or somebody, not necessarily you or me. See the parenthetical comment at the beginning of this post.) to man up and make some important and necessary corrections to the Bible. Some additions I’d like to see are as follows:

1. God helps those who help themselves. Let’s face it, most of us think it’s in there already.

2. A little clarification on how that whole “Hate the sin but love the sinner” thing is supposed to work. The prevailing idea seems to consist of “I love you, and this is why you’re going to hell.” Is that enough, or should we be throwing things at them to make sure they get the point?

3. Something about the right to keep and bear arms. Just having it in the Constitution isn’t cutting it. If God didn’t want us to be armed, then why did he give us so much cool stuff to protect. “I’ll keep my Xbox after I pry it from your cold, dead fingers. God Bless.”

There also are some things that need to be condensed, heavily edited, or removed altogether.

1. “For the love of money is the root of all evil.” Yikes! How’d that get in there? If we don’t have money to keep score, how are we going to know who God loves the most? Besides, haven’t we sanctified our money by putting God on it? If you think about it, isn’t spending money just another way of witnessing? Isn’t accumulation of money just another way of keeping God close to our hearts? Maybe it’s talking about foreign money.

2. Everything Jesus said. Now before you panic, I’m not saying we should take it all out. Obviously, whipping the money-changers out of the temple needs to stay. Beating up bad guys is something we can all get behind (also, it could be seen as an indictment of the evils of foreign money. See, it’s all starting to come together.) The whole Son of God thing is cool, as is the dying for the forgiveness of our sins, but have you ever read the stuff he said? A lot of it is just downright un-American. I know, I know, you’re thinking Son of God, infallible, etc., but think about it. Would a Christian God really say that stuff? Look how much of it is completely counter to conventional Christian wisdom. Even his words are printed in RED. You know what else is red? Communism. So, since we’ve already established that God is an American, I think it’s far more likely that Jesus’ words, as represented in the Bible are much more likely to be the result of an either accidental or intentional bad translation. Maybe a Franciscan editor? We may never know how it happened. It’s enough to know we can fix it.

At any rate, you get the idea. Feel free to use the comments section below to suggest other changes. I’m sure there are lots of areas open to improvement and good old American innovation. Enjoy!