As much as I hesitate to do it, I’m going to weigh in on the current Indiana Religious Freedom Restoration Act controversy. I can’t help myself. I’ve wracked my brain, and can’t think of anything else to do to help me continue avoiding doing my homework. Besides, everyone else has, and it’s lonely out here. And kind of creepy, really. I feel like everybody’s looking at me, which is weird, because normally I’m pretty sure nobody cares at all what I think (which is probably the case here as well, but my inner narcissist is feeling saucy).

It’s also kind of weird because as a White, heterosexual, middle-aged, middle-class, male christian, whose only first-hand experience with religious persecution has been the waiting-for-the-punchline looks I frequently get from people when I say that I’m a Christian (you’ll note that I didn’t say I’m a good one. Honestly, I’m not sure there even is such a thing), I am undoubtedly one of the people who has the least to fear from this law. Seriously, I’m safely part of the demographic power majority in pretty much every category (and it’s pretty sweet, I can tell you). At any rate, I kind of feel like, since I’m safe, maybe I should just keep my mouth shut and ride it out (and if you’ve read this far, you’re probably thinking the same thing).

But enough about me. And I think that’s the problem. I think there is a very strong possibility that this is an intentionally planned nontroversy to keep everyone’s eyes off the shell that actually has the bean under it.

Let’s face it. Everybody thinks this bill is about them. Thanks to this law, religious bakers, florists, photographers, and other purveyors of wedding support services (because those are the only types I’ve heard held up as examples) can now feel safe from being forced to bake a gay wedding cake, make gay bouquets, take gay pictures*, or anything else that goes against their strongly held religious beliefs. They no longer have to worry about the hordes of litigious gays lining up to force them to ruin their gay wedding, although honestly, that just sounds like a way to spend a lot of money on lawyers to end up with spit cake, dead flowers, and bad pictures on your gay wedding day. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen, I’m just saying it doesn’t happen very often.

From the gay side of things, I can totally understand the concern. Right wing whack-a-do’s like Ted Cruz and Rick Santorum are coming out in support of the law, and that fact alone is enough to convince me that it’s a bad thing. Reading the law, it seems like businesses now have, at the very least, a legally protected way to discriminate against, and screw their employees (like they even need that in a “right to work state”). I also have no doubt that there are some few business owners out there who will use this law to discriminate against the LGBT community. I’ve never understood what religion has to do with civil rights. As I understand the constitution, we all have the same civil rights, in spite of our personal beliefs, not because of them.

I am kind of saddened though by the number of friends of mine, both gay and straight, who seem to be coming down very firmly on the “Fuck Indiana” side, because, just like the hordes of litigious gays, I’m pretty sure the number of religious business owners who can’t wait to refuse service to a gay person is largely imaginary. And, if it’s not, then that company will pretty much be signing its own death warrant, especially a small company.

I’ve been seeing a lot of stuff about how Mike Pence, the legislature, and the GOP didn’t expect this much backlash. I think that’s wrong. I think that not only did they expect it, they counted on it. I mean, for cryin’ out loud, the day after Pence signed the bill, the Indianapolis Star had a story on him signing the bill in a secret session. Some secret. Apparently, that’s one more word we need to add to the list of words that lawmakers don’t understand.**

I think this is an example of legislation at its best, from a public relations point of view. Everybody wins! The conservatives get to pander to the conservative Christians. The liberals get to pander to the LGBT community. Businesses and organizations as disparate as Apple, the NCAA,  Gen Con, and others get to look like heroes for loudly and proudly opposing the bill. People like me (see paragraph 2 above) get to choose; we can feel persecuted for our beliefs (Just like Jesus!), or we can take door number two and feel good about ourselves for being so loving and understanding of gays (Just like Jesus!). And the best part is, we get to pick in what way we’re Just like Jesus! (Seriously, it’s good to be us.)

The LGBT community gets to feel good about themselves because of the tremendous outpouring of support they’ve received from people, businesses, and organizations, and that’s got to feel extra good after being genuinely persecuted, ostracized, and frequently killed right here in the Good Ol’ U.S. of A,*** although really, that’s more of a consolation prize, kind of like receiving the home version after finishing 2nd on a game show (I never said everybody wins big).

The media get something to cry and/or scream about in their on-going 24/7 quest to completely polarize the nation for fun and profit, and the Internet comment trolls get lots of ammo for their ridiculous little flame wars. Like I said, everybody wins (sort of).

The thing of it is, I just don’t think that the bill’s intent really has anything to do with legalizing discrimination on religious grounds (although I’m pretty sure that the GOP would see that as a side benefit). I’m guessing that nobody in the legislature cares which side of the wedding cake you’re on, whether you’re the one spitting in the cake mix, or the one forcing someone to make your cake. I feel pretty confident that you don’t matter much to them at all.****

I look at it this way. We’ve already got that Bill of Rights, First Amendment, Freedom of Religion thing, right there in the Constitution, right? So what does this new law do that the first amendment doesn’t do? It specifically protects BUSINESSES from Government and Individuals. I think that the main point of this bill is to make sure that businesses, and particularly big businesses (like Hobby Lobby for example) have another legal basis for . . . well really, doing any damned thing they want, or avoiding having to do something they don’t want. Sort of a legal loophole, like a tax code loophole, only with lawyers instead of accountants. It also prevents individuals, specifically applicants, employees and former employees from being able to sue employers.

Mike Pence is already calling for an amendment to the bill to make sure it’s clear that business owners can’t discriminate in providing services, so how serious could he really have been about your cake? He doesn’t care about your cake, and neither does anybody else but you. What lawmakers care about is business, and businesses certainly care about the law. They have to. They’re the only ones who can afford it these days.

One bit of supportive evidence for this is from Gen Con.’s open letter protesting this stupid and pointless law. They, just like Mike Pence, ask for an amendment to the new law. If the new law is so offensive, why not demand it’s repeal? That would seem to be the sensible thing to do. You can’t abuse a law that doesn’t exist.

Ultimately, I think it’ll all come out in the wash. They’ll come out with some vaguely worded amendment that won’t satisfy detractors, but damp the fires enough to get the media to move on. Pence, Cruz, Bush, etc. will use it to garner support for Presidential runs, as will Clinton and Warren. Christians will still be left uneasy enough to fear persecution, gays will feel slightly mollified that people stood up for them. People won’t be forced to bake gay wedding cakes against their will, not because of government persecution, but because gays (at least most of them) aren’t stupid enough to go to a homophobic baker. There won’t be unusually large amounts of spit in the gay wedding cake, not because of an amendment prohibiting it, but because Indiana bakers (at least most of them) aren’t homophobic assholes in the first place. And businesses will walk away with a smile on their faces from being elevated one more step above the individual (gay or straight), at least legally, without any of the fuss that accompanied Citizen’s United.

The real question, for me anyway, is why, after so many years of being lied to and manipulated by government, business, and church, are we all still such easy marks?

One final note. This is all just my opinion. I have not meant to offend, belittle or demean anyone (well, except politicians, business, and what I believe to be an actually very small portion of Christian believers). If I did offend you, and you fall outside the parenthetical parameters previously stated, I apologize. Also, the very strong possibility exists that I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about. I feel no particular shame about this, as I’m pretty sure that keeps me in the majority (always go with the numbers). But, just in case you care enough to prove that I’m full of crap, here’s a link to the actual law: https://iga.in.gov/legislative/2015/bills/senate/101#

There is every possibility that you will be much better at deciphering the legaleze than I am. Please feel free to let me know if I’m wrong.

* Warning: unlike the other examples of both purveyors and products, that last one is a real thing. Trust me, Don’t Google it.

** Where it will be in good company with words, concepts, and phrases like: integrity, decency, cooperation, ethics, honesty, and put your dick away

*** As opposed to American Christians who have to travel to some really unpleasant places overseas in order to be properly persecuted, and let’s face it, who has that kind of time? We’re all too busy thinking of ways to avoid accidentally endorsing somebody else’s lifestyle.

**** If it’s any consolation, I’m pretty sure I don’t matter to them either, and as a member of the power demographic, that really kind of hurts.